Day 99: What Would Rolf Do?
On Mentorship, Spiritual Growth, and Choosing the Quiet Path Forward
It’s around 7 PM on April 29th, and I’m sitting on a flight from Bali to Taiwan, where I have a 24-hour-layover. 2025 so far has felt like many lifetimes, unravelling in fast motion - January/February in Uluwatu teaching at The Space, a trip to Abu Dhabi where I taught The Mindful Life Practice’s annual retreat at the Al Ain Rotana, a pilgrimage to India for the Sober Girls Yoga Annual India Adventure, holding space for women on both The Sobah Sistahs and Jane Ballard’s Retreats in Bali, and teaching Patanjali’s Sutras for a YTT in Bali with Sky Yoga & Meditation - and now I’m off again, this time to Canada and Arizona for Sober in the City. (By the way — there are still tickets available! Over 100 sober souls will be there. I’ll be teaching yoga on Sunday morning and would love to meet you.)
I’ve been finding it difficult to write The Daily Dharma these past few days. A three-day streak of creative drought has me reflecting on why my inspiration sometimes slips away. And I can sense three reasons why I sometimes lose inspiration:
When I’m focused on something else, something I can’t write about, (but usually something joyful!) I feel stuck and can’t write.
When I haven’t been communing enough with my mentors - the soul-companions who offer new mirrors to see myself through.
When I haven’t allowed enough silence. In the Yoga Sutras (1.2–1.3), Patanjali reminds us: yogaḥ citta-vṛtti-nirodhaḥ - yoga is the stilling of the mind's movements. Without that nirodhaḥ, the mind becomes entangled in itself - and it’s hard for me to find inspiration for my writing.
All of these have been true for me lately.
The Focus Was on Something Else
My relationship with Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee (Mr. Z, Mr Shakshuka, Raja Haiku, Mr. Mimpi Indah, Habibi (My Love in Arabic), The Approaching-Boyfriend (Boyfriend in Waiting), Mr. Vritti, Mr. Jack Pot, Mr. Meditation, Rocket Man, Mr. Mantra, The Meow-ditator, The Rational Mystic, Burrito Boy, the-guy-i-like-that-i-feel-safe-with, him (the crush)) feels like a daily unfolding. It’s kind of beautiful that I wrote so many of our moments on this Substack in the early days of our relationship, because I love to look back on that now and see how he went from a friend to a business partner to someone I asked on a date to where we are now. But now, as we progress to deeper levels of our connection, it sometimes feels like things I can’t even put into words or almost don’t even want to put into words. It almost feels like a feeling that I can’t express or want to keep to myself. So when I withdraw from writing, it’s usually because I’m too focused on that!
Lack of Mentorship
I’ve also had fewer calls with my mentors this month - not by design, but by what felt like necessity. After a big financial loss in March on the India Retreat (and a many thousand dollars refund that never was honoured), I thought I financially needed to recalibrate. There was literally a period of time when I had zero dollars in my bank account, but I wasn’t scared like I used to be. I knew things would be ok and money would eventually come. And it did. But in financially cutting back at the start of April, I chose to let go of my regular therapy calls, I postponed philosophy calls with Rolf, cancelled philosophy teachings with Anvita, and even paused my personal training sessions with Fran. And thus, the sacred dialogue - that satsang, the "meeting in truth" that I invest in with my mentors - has been quieter too.
Too Much Talking & Thinking
Meanwhile, I cut back on a lot of mentorship, but my house in Bali was full of life. Jenn, who came to stay with me for a few nights on on the first weekend of April ended up staying in the guest room for the whole month. With her, she brought movement, home-cooked food, music - really, she was Saraswati - the goddess of flow and creativity.
Between the YTT, the retreats, caring for my cat Princess Amira Putri (currently at the vet recovering from illness), Jenn’s visit, a lack of reflection time with my mentors, and becoming obsessed with Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee - my mind has been moving a little too wildly in the world.
Alan Watts’ words have been echoing inside me:
If you talk all the time, you will never hear what anybody else has to say, and therefore, all you’ll have to talk about is your own conversation. The same is true for people who think all the time. That means, when I use the word ‘think,’ talking to yourself, subvocal conversation, the constant chit-chat of symbols and images and talk and words inside your skull. Now, if you do that all the time, you’ll find that you’ve nothing to think about except thinking, and just as you have to stop talking to hear what I have to say, you have to stop thinking to find out what life is about. And the moment you stop thinking, you come into immediate contact with what Korzybski called, so delightfully, ‘the unspeakable world.
And that’s been what’s happening to me. In April I spent a lot of time teaching, and a lot of time interacting. And I feel like I’ve been talking all the time and thinking all the time and being on my phone all the time - and whilst I meditate twice daily, I’m clearly still not spending enough time in the “unspeakable world.” All of the many wisdom traditions from Eastern Philosophy speak of this same concept in different names. It’s the same as what Patanjali hints at in samādhi - when the seer rests in their own true nature (draṣṭuh svarūpe avasthānam).
Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee is such a positive influence on my life in so many ways. One of the things he’s been saying to me (since before we even started dating) is that whenever he’s on an airplane, he pretends he doesn’t have wifi access (even if wifi access is available) to give his brain a rest. I’m about three hours into the plane ride now from Bali to Taiwan, and it’s amazing how my brain is only starting to slow down and rest now. I am feeling focused for the first time in a number of days. I don’t even use Instagram anymore on my phone, and yet I still feel an impact of being constantly connected, 24/7, to the world. I am finding it takes about an hour for my mind after turning off my phone to be able to shift focus and fully focus on something else (such as writing this essay). I’m pondering how I can build in more intentional, phone-free time into my daily life. (For example - do I really need to turn it on in the morning each day or can it wait until the afternoon? I know this is already going to improve when Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee gets to Bali and won’t even let me have my phone in the bedroom at night.)
On The Value of Mentorship
One of the most impactful parts of today that I’m reflecting on during this plane ride is the Zoom call I had today with my teacher Rolf. Today I sat down with Rolf and was able to ask him some business and spiritual related questions.
I thought a bit about how Rolf has been such an important person for me for so many years in different ways. In early sobriety, in 2019, I needed a sober role model to look to when I felt lost. I used to think to myself, “What would Rolf do?” Rolf was almost like a character in a book - well, the author of a book - and the only sober role model I had in my life at the time.
In 2020, I told my business coach, Wendy, about Rolf. Rolf also has run successful yoga businesses for more than 20 years. He started to become a business inspiration to me. Wendy started asking me, “What would Rolf do?” when I found myself faced with business dilemmas.
This morning, I thought about how years later, in 2025, my focus is less about staying sober and making my business more successful, and more about my spiritual studies. I know that if my spiritual practice is deep and profound then the rest of my life will fall into place. My sobriety, my business, my relationships. So now, I mostly ask him spiritual questions - but I get to literally ask Rolf in person, on Zoom, once a week, “What would you do?”
Today I was able to share with him a bit about a spiritual dilemma that has arisen for me. In it, I finally shared with him the details of my sexual assault. I had actually never even used the words “sexual assault” with him before - so he actually had no idea what had happened to me in February. Before I continued with my spiritual dilemma, he stopped and made amends for the way he had handled a conversation with me a few months ago.
As we talked more and more, he was able to give me some advice on the spiritual dilemma I’m facing. And it was essentially exactly what he’d done in practice with me a few minutes before.
One of the things I admire the most in Rolf and strive to emulate is how he seems to move through the world with the least active ego of anyone I’ve ever met. He doesn’t personalize anything. This is the practice of 2025 that I am trying really hard to embrace. I think the word would be “ego-less.” I want to be fully in the state of awareness that nothing is about me. Nothing good, nothing bad.
I thought a lot about how I was faced in April with a few situations that tested my own personal ego. A few people apologized for saying things they’d said that they were worried hurt my feelings. And honestly? I said to them that my ego personally didn’t take the hit from their feedback - and I was proud of that, because it showed me I was teaching and leading like Rolf - who is someone I find has the least dominating ego of anyone I’ve met. He just lives each day on Earth as if nothing was personal - nothing good and nothing bad. He hears the feedback and can take on the feedback, but stand strong and not personalize anything, or let it affect his ego in a positive or negative way. And that’s my goal. But I forget that if there is too much distance between me and my mentors. Getting on calls regularly with my mentors is so important to be reminded of who I want to be - and keep striving towards that.
After the call, sitting on the plane today, I thought - holy crap - I need to rearrange my funds so that I can continue to invest in coaches and mentors. I need Anvita back in my life (my Bhavagad Gita/Yoga Sutras Teacher)! I need Liron (my therapist/shamanic healer)! I need Wendy (my business coach!) (I even said this to a woman last week who I sat with after a ACA meeting, who was asking me my business advice for her. I said the best thing I’ve ever done is invest in mentors over the last five years). Mentors for me have taken many forms - from business coaches to psychics to counsellors. They keep me on track with my personal, spiritual, emotional and professional growth. Mentors are not a luxury, they are a necessity.
My mentors are mirrors, anchors, and doorways. They help me see beyond my own inner loops. What Rolf did today was he reflected back to me my patterns with clarity and without judgement. In yoga philosophy, this is the function of kalyāṇa-mitra - the noble, wise friend who keeps you on your path when you might stray.
Mentors offer more than advice - they transmit śakti-pāta, an energy that reminds you of who you are beneath the noise. They help recalibrate your inner compass toward svadharma - your sacred duty. They compassionately confront your blind spots (kleshas), and they give you permission to expand beyond who you thought you were.
I realized today when I spoke to Rolf that regular meetings with them are not a luxury; they are a necessity for anyone seriously walking the path of awakening.
And whilst Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee is absolutely an inspiration on the spiritual path for me - he cannot be my mentor or that would be a power imbalance in our relationship. Our partners can’t play every role for us. And this morning reminded me of that.
Reflecting on all of this, it’s become crystal clear to me: this is why I’m feeling called to return to offering 1:1 work again. There is so much healing that happens in intimate, personalized containers - spaces where someone really sees you and holds you accountable to your higher Self. I believe in 1:1 work, which is why I’m starting to offer it again.
The other day, I actually finally put together and launched my Yoga Sutra Recovery 1:1 Coaching - and I’m excited to be opening a few spaces for 1:1 work with me after many years away from 1:1 work. This is a personalized journey for women on a sober or sober-curious path, or anyone seeking deep spiritual healing through the lens of yoga philosophy. Together, we’ll build a daily practice rooted in the Yoga Sutras, heal old samskaras, and create a sustainable path of recovery, resilience, and awakening. This program is the culmination of everything I’ve lived, studied, and taught over the past decade.
Because I believe in working closely and deeply with each person, and I know that I’m very limited in time and availability, I’m only taking on one new client each month. If you feel called to step into this work, trust that nudge — the space is limited, but the transformation is limitless.
In service and gratitude
Alexandra
P.S. I know Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee won’t love that I’m on the internet on the plane now, lol, but I made it far into the flight! And now that I’ve finally written something for the Daily Dharma, I couldn’t not post it. So I got on the free 30 minutes wifi to post (and also send him his Goodnight WhatsApp message). And then I will get off again and enjoy the brain rest!
🔔 Final Call: Early Bird Discounts Ending!
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200-Hour YTT (July 7–27): Learn Vinyasa, Yin, and philosophy in a powerful immersion that will change your life
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In May, we’re diving deep into the vṛttis—the thought patterns that shape our reality. Come join us!
Next Upcoming Sutra Sangha:
ASANA PRACTICE: Stilling the Fluctuations: A Grounding Practice for Mental Clarity on May 4th at 9:00am EST | 9:00pm WITA
Theme: Slow vinyasa + pranayama + yoga nidra
Intention:
This class will support students in turning inward and calming the mind. We’ll focus on slow, intentional movement with long holds and deep breaths to settle the nervous system and invite nirodhaḥ - cessation of mental fluctuations.
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Here’s what’s coming up:
May 16 - 18: Sober in the City, Scottsdale, Arizona - come Join us!
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July 7–27: 200-Hour Yoga Teacher Training in Bali — become certified and empowered to lead
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Sept 11–18: Asana Adjustments & Assists Module — refine your teaching and physical guidance
Feb 22–Mar 5, 2026: Sober Women’s India Retreat — a transformative journey through Delhi, Agra, Jaipur & Goa
Love this so much.
I had tried hard to tell my husband that we couldn’t be all things for each other or else there would be a power imbalance. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out.
You are so fortunate to have Rory in your life. I miss Buddy so much every day and I constantly ask myself “what would buddy do?” And I miss being able to ask him what he would do! He wasn’t perfect but I valued his input so much.