Day 90: My Soul is Back in my Body
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
Every single moment of my sexual assault recovery feels divinely placed when I look back on the last two months.
Today, I taught the Kosha Model to my online 200-Hour YTT, and the students actually asked me to give more information. So I ended up drawing this (terrible) graphic design to explain the concept! That request sparked something in me.
I started thinking about how my sexual assault recovery has been a journey through the koshas. In yoga philosophy, we learn that we have five koshas - like layers of the self - similar to Russian dolls nested inside one another. Each kosha represents a layer of being: physical, energetic, mental/emotional, wisdom, and bliss. They build on each other and interweave, forming the totality of who we are.
The five koshas are:
Annamaya Kosha – Physical Body
Pranamaya Kosha – Energy Body
Manomaya Kosha – Mental & Emotional Body
Vijnanamaya Kosha – Wisdom Body
Anandamaya Kosha – Bliss Body
And my healing? It’s been a kosha journey.
1. Annamaya Kosha – The Physical Body
“Anna” means food. This kosha is the tangible, physical layer - our muscles, bones, skin, breath, and senses.
In recovery: Sexual assault can cause deep dissociation from the body - numbness, shame, a lack of safety. Healing this kosha means returning home to the body.
Practices: Trauma-informed yoga, grounding movement, body scans, gentle touch, nourishing food, reestablishing bodily safety.
“My body is not my enemy. It’s my home. And I can return to it with care.”
For me, this part of the journey began when I arrived at my YTT grad Carolyn’s house in Abu Dhabi, just three days after the assault.
Carolyn was incredible. She knew how to manage me in stage one of Rape Trauma Syndrome. I was in total shock. My soul had literally left my body. I couldn’t even begin to process that someone I was dating had drugged and raped me - and that I’d unknowingly continued to date him. It was too surreal to believe.
Carolyn’s presence was exactly what I needed. She validated what happened. She held space for my spiraling. She and her husband cooked for me, walked with me, did my laundry - cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself. It helped me start to land again in my body.
I remember sitting in a sharing circle at the start of the retreat I was somehow hosting (she stepped in and supported a lot!). I couldn’t hear anything the women were saying. I was so dissociated. But by the end of the retreat, I could hear almost everyone. That moment felt like a signal - I was coming back.
One thing Carolyn said to me when we were driving in her car one day was:
“You need a therapist. This is going to affect you for the rest of your life. You have to give yourself the best shot you can at recovering from this.”
And that was the nudge that led me to Liron, a therapist trained in shamanic healing- and into my work with the second kosha.
2. Pranamaya Kosha – The Energy Body
“Prana” is life-force. This kosha is made of breath, vitality, and the energetic currents that move through our subtle body.
In recovery: Trauma scrambles the energy system. Breath becomes shallow, nervous systems swing between hyper-arousal and collapse. Healing means restoring flow and stability.
Practices: Pranayama, breathwork, energy healing, conscious walking, chanting.
“My breath is my anchor. I can regulate and restore my energy from within.”
I started doing sessions with my therapist Liron, my mentor Rolf, my philosophy teacher Anvita, and my trainer Fran. Every session, in its own way, revolved around my healing.
With Liron, we focused heavily on breath-based healing narratives - some of which I’ve written about in previous Substacks. Because the assault involved being drugged during a breathwork session, breath itself had become a samskara - a traumatic imprint I needed to unravel and rebuild.
One of the most helpful sessions was with Rolf. He taught me to orient to the present when a flashback came - by anchoring myself in something real. A flower. The sound of a fountain by my pool. This helped me deal with smriti (memory) and vikalpa (imagined fears about what might’ve happened that I can’t remember). Those moments were pivotal in helping me start to regulate myself again.
3. Manomaya Kosha – The Mental & Emotional Body
“Manas” means mind. This kosha includes thoughts, emotions, memory, and patterns of belief.
In recovery: Trauma leaves scars in the mind - loops of shame, fear, self-blame. Healing means learning to witness these thoughts without identifying with them.
Practices: Journaling, therapy (IFS, EMDR, CBT), mantra, self-study.
“I can witness my thoughts without being ruled by them. I am not my trauma story.”
This layer came alive for me during the India retreat I led.
We did a lot of journaling. A lot of chanting. A lot of sharing. These practices moved stuck emotions through me.
I also had to keep my sh*t together to hold space for my students, which meant applying all the tools I'd been learning. I had to repeatedly shift myself from the past to the present. There was one day I had to share a bed with a client due to a venue change. That meant sleeping next to someone - something that had felt terrifying just weeks before. And I did it. Another sign of progress.
At some point, I started to notice myself saying, “I won’t feel safe dating a man again - unless it’s one particular guy.”
After saying that about four times, I realized I had feelings for him. Today I’ve been calling him Habibi (my love in Arabic). This is because he says he doesn’t like to be called “love” but I wanted a way to express he is my love! So habibi felt like a good thing to settle on. I also call him: My Approaching-Boyfriend. Mr. Vritti. Mr. Mantra. Mr. Jackpot. The Meow-ditator. The Rational Mystic. The-guy-I-like-that-I-feel-safe-with. Him (the crush).
And suddenly, I felt this urge to tell him how I felt.
4. Vijnanamaya Kosha – The Wisdom Body
“Vijnana” means knowing. This kosha is the layer of discernment, inner wisdom, and intuitive intelligence.
In recovery: Survivors often lose trust in their intuition. Healing means reclaiming self-trust and the ability to choose wisely and set boundaries.
Practices: Meditation, Yoga Sutra study, stillness, cultivating sattva.
“I have inner wisdom. I trust myself again. I can see clearly and choose wisely.”
When I got back to Bali, my Habibi wasn’t here, but I felt myself healing with him from afar.
There were milestones - like feeling the desire for intimacy again. Wanting closeness again. That in itself was massive. And I am not doing this for him - I am doing it for me. He is a gentle presence in the background, but the real work is me rebuilding my own inner compass.
5. Anandamaya Kosha – The Bliss Body
“Ananda” means bliss. This is the most subtle kosha - where we connect with joy, love, and spirit.
In recovery: Bliss may feel inaccessible after trauma. But it returns - not as constant euphoria, but as moments of peace, connection, and soul-presence.
Practices: Bhakti yoga, kirtan, spiritual community, awe, deep friendship.
“Even after what happened, joy is still possible. My spirit was never broken.”
And this is when Jenn arrived.
Jenn is my soulmate friend. She came to Bali to co-teach the 200-Hour and 300-Hour YTTs with me (Rory Kinsella will also be joining us, teaching meditation—and we still have spots available!). Jenn planned to stay with me just a few nights before finding another place to stay that’s more permanent - but we both realized pretty quickly that her staying longer, for the rest of April, made perfect sense. Both for her re-integration into Bali, and my recovery.
Since Jenn arrived, I’ve been sleeping with the lights off - for the first time in two months.
I describe to people that Jenn is currently both my teenage daughter and my mother at once. She’s my teenage daughter because I’m living through her wild nights out - but arriving home from work with breakfast or dinner cooked and on the table. She’s brought my soul back into my body through music, movement, and meals.
She plays harmonium and guitar. She fills our home with live music. She introduced me to my new favorite album (The Inner Work by St. Finnikin). She makes beautifully crafted playlists for her yoga classes.
She took me to ecstatic dance today. (It’s her favourite and my least favourite, but I went anyway and it’s growing on me.)
She cooks. Like, actually cooks. My kitchen is coming alive for the first time ever. I’m even talking about buying an oven now!
But more than that, she talks to me about intimacy in a safe way. And that’s something I haven’t had much of. After my assault, intimacy became scary and negative. Jenn initiates conversations around it and holds the space for me to talk about it openly, and that’s part of the healing.
This morning, to celebrate my 6 years sober, we went to ecstatic dance. One of the prompts at the start was eye-gazing with strangers. I could not sustain eye contact with men. With women, yes. With men - no.
But an hour in, I found myself sitting outside and eye gazing with Lawrence - Jenn’s new roommate (she’s going to move in with him at the end of the month, when I head to Arizona. This is because after I get back, Habibi gets here! And we’ll be busy doing intimate things where we don’t want my teenage daughter around, LOL.) I’ve known Lawrence for four years, since I moved to Bali. And I did it. I held his gaze. I cried. I said, “I’m not sure if I could do that because you’re not a stranger, or because I’m healing.” Maybe both.
After that, I couldn’t keep dancing. The emotions felt overwhelming. So I left and came home and meditated.
When I told my Habibi about today, he said,
“That sounds like progress.
When I come, we’ll do lots of eye-gazing.”
But I know that eye-gazing will be different with him than with other men. Because he is my safe haven.
I told Jenn the other day, “There’s a barrier between me and men that wasn’t there before, that I can’t break down.”
She asked, “Do you want to heal that?”
I said, “Nah, I don’t need to. Habibi will keep me safe. I don’t need to heal with other men.”
She said she could feel that within me too.
Jenn is extending her stay at Hotel Alex for the next few weeks, for the rest of April. And I’m so grateful. She’s helping me continue to feel my soul back into my body.
After she leaves, I’ll head to Toronto for my niece’s birthday, then to Arizona for Sober in the City where I’m teaching the yoga and I heard theres almost 100 people coming! If you haven’t gotten your ticket yet make sure you book it - I can’t wait to connect with all of you!
I think that trip will be the time of integration.
Integration: Healing in Layers
The koshas aren’t separate compartments. They’re interwoven. Healing one layer supports the others. For someone recovering from sexual trauma, the koshas offer a way to map the process - to name it, to honor it, and to believe in the journey forward.
The wound is in the body - but the wisdom is in the whole self.
And today, I can say with conviction:
My soul is back in my body.
The Sober Summit
I am so excited to be featured in this year’s Sober Summit.
No matter where you are on your sober journey, we all need motivation, support, and connection to keep moving forward.
That’s why I’m beyond excited to announce that I’m a speaker at The Sober Summit—a FREE 3-day virtual event happening April 23-25 for gray area drinkers who want to break free from alcohol and start living a fun and fulfilling alcohol-free life.
At The Sober Summit, you’ll walk away with:
✅ The knowledge and tools to make sobriety easier and more sustainable
✅ Confidence to navigate social life, relationships, and personal growth without alcohol
✅ A fresh perspective on the incredible life waiting for you beyond drinking
I’m honored to be one of 24 incredible speakers—including top authors, podcasters, experts, and influencers from the sober community—who are here to share powerful insights and real-life experiences to support your journey.
In my session, I’ll be speaking on [presentation topic], and I can’t wait for you to hear it!
Plus, you’ll hear from some powerhouse speakers, including:
🎤 Karolina Rzadkowolska
🎤 Andy Ramage
…and many more!
The best part? It’s free!
Click this link to grab your free ticket and join us for this incredible event!
What are you most excited to learn at The Sober Summit? Drop a comment and let’s talk about it—I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Upcoming Programs
🌴 May 25–31 Sober Yoga & Meditation Retreat in Bali – a few rooms left!
👉 Book Your Spot
🧘🏽♀️ July 2025 200-Hour Yoga Teacher Training in Bali - hybrid almost sold out!
👉 Join Us Here
🧘🏽♀️ September 2025 300-Hour Yoga Teacher Training in Bali
👉 Join Us Here
2026 Retreat Waitlist
The 2026 retreat schedule is starting to shape up. Heres’ what’s coming:
India - Sober Women’s Adventure to India (The Golden Triangle and Goa Holi Retreat) Sign up here to get on my waitlist for when we drop info!
Bali - Nyepi/Ogoh Ogoh Retreat for Men and Women - Meditation & Yoga Retreat with me and Rory Kinsella end of March 2026. Sign up here to get on my waitlist for when we drop info!
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