Day 78: She's Safe Now
TW: SA
Last night, I had a scary dream for the first time in a while. Since the assault, I’ve had a few vivid nightmares that have etched themselves into my memory - but lately, sleep has been peaceful again. Since returning from India, I’ve been resting more - sleeping seven to eight hours instead of the restless two-to-four.
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But this dream… this one shook me.
In it, I was in a hotel room with another woman. A man came in and attacked her. I ran to the hotel reception to get help, but no one responded. The next morning in the dream, the attacker tried to apologize by putting his hand on my thigh. I was terrified. I woke up, heart racing, certain that someone was in the room with me. It wasn’t my attacker, but another man - a different kind of fear, but still familiar.
And the only thing I wanted in that moment was this-guy-I-like-that-I-feel-safe-with (that’s his new name, lol) to come and hold me and help me fall back asleep. But he’s not in Bali now, and as much as I am whiny about that, I also do think it’s very healthy for me to learn how to take care of myself in these moments, on my own.
When I told him about the dream the next morning, this-guy-I-like-that-I-feel-safe-with said, “Maybe the roommate in the dream was you.”
I burst into tears. Because, yes. Of course she was. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that until he said it.
The Dream as Dharma
Yoga teaches us that the subtle body—the manomaya kosha (mind), vijnanamaya kosha (wisdom), and even the anandamaya kosha (bliss) - holds impressions (samskaras) long after the physical moment has passed. These impressions bubble up in meditation, in memory, in our bodies - and sometimes in dreams.
I used to think dreams were random, and brushed off people who spent time reflecting on their dreams. But now, I understand that our dreams are not random. They are our mind processing samskaras from trauma, memory, and experience. Dreams, after trauma, show us that we’re beginning to reach a level of inner stability (sthira) where the mind is safe enough to remember and process. And dreams, even nightmares, can be seen as part of the path to clarity (sattva) and kaivalya (liberation).
Last night’s dream was not just a dream. It was a message. It was my unconscious mind saying: You are healing. You’re safe enough now to remember.
After reflecting on it throughout the day today, I think the dream could have meant lots of things:
The projection of powerlessness, and the feeling that no one showed up in the way that I needed them to.
In my dream, I went to go and help - maybe that’s the inner advocate advocating for myself.
The dream could be processing the reality of being dismissed/abandoned/betrayed by the authorities, by the system, by other people.
The witness versus the victim: in this dream I was witnessing instead of experiencing the assault. That could be a way for the mind to revisit the trauma but in a safe layer of separation, or the desire to help others with similar trauma as part of my healing.
Realizations from the Dream World
In the last few weeks, I’ve had two moments of deep realization - each followed by a nightmare. Each time, my conscious mind pieced together a memory: More nights… where I think I was drugged/attempted drugged.
It’s weird. I’m convinced I’ve been drugged and raped before in this lifetime and I’m unaware of when and who did it. Why do I think this? The whole feeling of falling asleep in a snap, waking up having slept through the night, telling a guy I’ve had the deepest sleep of my life…it feels like deja vu. It really feels like it’s happened to me before. I’ve ruled out all of the men I’ve dated in the last 5.5 years since I got sober aside from him (if I dated you in that time then you’re in the clear! Lol). The reason I’ve been able to rule them out, is that I remember oddly specific things about being with them that means they couldn’t have drugged me. Like, that the didn’t like having sleepovers, or they complained I kicked and snored and rolled in my sleep, or that we’d stay up for an hour chatting before we fell asleep, or that I could never fall asleep beside them. All of these men, I feel never drugged or raped me.
The men from pre-sobriety are into question - because I just don’t remember these specifics about being together. Because it was a long time ago, and also because I was drinking a lot so things were messy to begin with. But I think my unconscious brain will keep processing and retrieving memories, and I will know soon enough. The memories will be retrieved - like the ones I’ve already retrieved.
Meanwhile - some memories have surfaced not in dating relationships, but on nights out/with strange men, where I think I was drugged/attempted drugged.
The first realization came while staying in a room in a guesthouse in Uluwatu - a place I’ve stayed many times before. I remembered a man trying to force himself on me after dinner probably about six months ago, offering me water from a large bottle he had brought. When I said no, he got bored of me and disappeared after about twenty minutes. I had always brushed the night off as “weird,” but it hit me recently: he was probably trying to drug me, and got bored when it wasn’t possible.
The second memory came from high school. I remembered being at a party, having a puff of weed and one drink of alcohol - and suddenly not being able to speak. My friends put me in a cab because I couldn’t say my own address. I always thought I had just “greened out” that night. But that night never felt like any others when I smoked weed or drank alcohol. That night felt different. I think I got home to my house after being out for only about 30 minutes - my parents surprised by my quick return home after saying I was going out for the night. I went straight to bed and passed out until the morning. Now I wonder if I was drugged then, too, and just shuttled to safety by my friends.
The more I allow myself to remember, the more my body shakes loose the truth I couldn’t name before. Today, my counsellor said that we can work on retrieving these memories in a few months - but right now it is not the most important thing.
The Longing for Protection
My counselor asked me today if I ever felt unprotected as a child. I couldn’t think of a time, but I told her about a book I read on the plane back to Bali - written by the daughter of Gisele Pelicott, a woman who was drugged and raped over 100 times by her husband and men living within her small town in France. The book is called I Stopped Calling Him Dad. It was actually a really sad book. I was hoping it would come to conclusion and healing for the daughter, but it didn’t feel like it ever did. It was published before the trial in 2024, so maybe that is why. In the book, the daughter writes about how the police found evidence that she was drugged and raped by her father, too - but her mother refuses to acknowledge the truth, even though evidence is there.
How must it feel for your mom to deny something like that?
But then, I thought - how must it feel for Gisele Pelicott to process she was drugged and raped over 100 times? The pain must be so horrific that she can’t even open her mind to more. As I sat on the plane, I started to understand the trauma response of denial.
I think denial is one of the most intelligent trauma responses we have. It’s protection. When something overwhelming or unthinkable happens, the nervous system sometimes blocks it out to help us survive. In yogic philosophy, this is tamas - a veiling energy that shields us until we’re ready to face the truth. Denial says, “You can’t process this yet, but one day you will.” When the truth begins to surface - through dreams, body memories, or flashes of clarity - it means you're becoming safe enough to begin healing.
While having a parent like Gisele Pelicott who lives in denial must be so painful, I now understand it’s literally a way that our brain is protecting us from pain.
Gisele is not trying to cause her children more pain by denying their reality. She’s literally just trying to survive.
Lineage Healing
My counselor is also a shamanic healer. In our latest session, we worked on clearing the sexual trauma in my lineage - this life, past lives, ancestral memory. I don’t always feel the effects of these sessions immediately. Today she asked me if anything happened after our last session where we did a past life regression, and I said no. Then, she got shivers and a lightbulb moment. “Yes! Something happened for you! A safe man entered your life!” Ah yes. I forgot about that. This-guy-I-like-that-I-feel-safe-with.
When I shared the dream with this-guy-I-like-that-I-feel-safe-with and he said, “She’s safe now,” I felt that phrase settle in my body.
I feel protected for the first time in a long time. I feel calm.
She’s safe now.
Moving Forward
This week I’m settling back in to my life in Bali. I’m excited to be starting again with my Yoga Sutra Study groups and our next online 200-hour YTT. Rory and I have a few rooms left in our May Sober Yoga & Meditation Retreat, and the Bali 200-Hour and 300-Hour trainings are filling up.
The outer world is moving - but something deeper is moving inside, too.
Some days I feel like I’m taking big steps forward. Other days, I spiral back. But that’s what healing is - a spiral. Not a straight line.
And still, through it all - I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel practice, community, and love holding me as I come home to myself.
Ps. I know I have a bunch of emails to reply to…if you’re waiting to hear from me…it’s coming! I’m doing my best to put my own healing at the forefront right now and write and brain dump and meditate before I work!
In service & gratitude…
Alexandra
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