Day 72: Spiritual Friendship in the Chaos
Lessons from a Retreat Gone Awry
Yesterday, I didn’t write a Substack because I honestly hadn’t processed what had happened yet.
Two days ago, I wrote about how we were leaving the chaos for the calm. That’s really how my India retreat is set up: five days of tourism, travel, and adventure in some of the main cities of India, followed by five days of rest and relaxation on the beach in Goa. Chaos and Calm.
Throughout the trip, I kept reflecting on how smoothly everything was going - in hindsight, almost too smoothly. India is known for its unpredictability, and yet, up until then, everything had been seamless. I should have known: in India, the moment you think you have control, the universe reminds you otherwise.
The Unexpected Turn
When we arrived at the yoga retreat center in Goa - one that my group had stayed at last year with positive reviews - it quickly became clear that something was off. The property, which usually housed peaceful yoga retreats, had been overtaken by a Holi party hosted by the owners for their family and friends. Loud music filled the space, alcohol seemed to be involved, and we were given budget rooms that were vastly different from what we had experienced before. I had assumed they would be of similar quality to last year’s, but they were really low quality, and on top of that, unclean, and all of my guests were uncomfortable.
I spent the next several hours running around trying to upgrade rooms and have discussions with the owners and managers. But with Holi in full swing, the staff was scarce and the response to our complaints was slow. Even when we were assigned new rooms, no one cleaned them. I gave my own room to a guest, and when I wiped the floor after my shower, a layer of brown mud came off onto the towel.
The peak moment of disorder happened when the receptionist, trying to help a guest find a new room, began opening doors without knocking - sometimes walking in on people inside. It was chaos in the truest sense and completely unacceptable that my guests had ended up in that situation. I honestly think I didn’t even process what was happening at the time because it was just so unbelievable.
Finding Center in the Chaos
Despite all of this, I knew I had to anchor myself. In the midst of the whirlwind, I found a moment to meditate for 20 minutes. This was crucial. The Bhagavad Gita teaches us that yoga is skill in action (2.50), and in that moment, my action needed to be skillful. I couldn’t support everyone in this situation if I wasn’t in a grounded place myself. When I finished my meditation, I saw a message from two guests who had decided to move to a hotel down the road. When I found out that the hotel cost almost the same amount as the retreat center for five nights stay, I knew what was coming: we’d get a refund and we’d do a group migration. And sure enough, after discussing as a group, checking the price difference and availability, we put a plan of action together. We all played a different role in securing refunds at the previous retreat center, a block room rate at the new hotel, and making arrangements for the entire group to move.
Instead of a sharing circle and yoga class that evening, we all worked together, supporting each other to pack, move, and settle into our new hotel. By 7 p.m., everyone had their own room - except for me and one other guest. The only room available was a honeymoon suite with a plunge pool - and a shared king sized bed.
A Personal Step in Healing
I was immediately anxious. I haven’t shared a bed with anyone since the person who assaulted me, and I truly believed I never would again, or not for a long time. My first instinct was to leave, to go back to my room at the retreat center and sleep alone. But I knew I couldn’t be the one to complain about this being the retreat leader, so I just thought I’d work with the situation.
I lay in bed, feeling unsettled for a few hours. I finally fell asleep, but I woke up to the sound of a door closing. I looked up and saw the bed empty beside me and I panicked for a moment. I think it was just the sudden change that frightened me. But then I realized it was around 5am and she probably just had woken up and decided to go meditate and practice outside. Nothing was wrong. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up and did my own practice, meditated, and had a coffee.
In that moment, I realized: last night, I had done something I never thought I could do again. I had to agree to share a bed so quickly that I didn’t even have time to process it. And in doing so a door had quietly opened in my healing journey. And when I spoke about it in our morning circle today, I found myself crying. The Yoga Sutras tell us that practice (abhyasa) and non-attachment (vairagya) lead to mastery over the mind (1.12). By surrendering to the present moment rather than clinging to fear, I had unknowingly taken another step forward.
The Power of Sangha (Spiritual Community)
Through it all, the most profound takeaway wasn’t just my personal growth but the way this group came together. I honestly thought the retreat was unsalvageable at one point yesterday, the situation was that bad.
But someone said in the circle it was about “action instead of reaction” and I loved that. The pivot from the reaction to the action. Instead of just feeling upset, what can we do to change it? And in the moment, no one was thinking only of themselves. Everyone was looking out for each other. How can we keep this group together? How can we make sure everyone’s needs are met? How do we salvage this retreat? There was no arguing, no drama - only support, communication, and action.
This is the essence of sangha, the spiritual community that holds us up when we falter. The Buddha emphasized the importance of sangha, saying that spiritual friendship isn’t just a part of the path - it is the path. In that group of women yesterday, I saw the highest expressions of yoga: unity, presence, and compassion.
Lessons in Control and Letting Go
One of the key themes of this retreat has been control. The Yoga Sutras remind us that suffering (duhkha) arises from clinging and attachment (2.15). In this situation, I was forced to let go. We all were. And in that surrender, we found something greater: resilience, trust, and a deepening of our connections.
This experience also made me rethink my approach to retreats. I often choose retreat centers over hotels because I want people to feel the energy of a yoga space—to eat nourishing food, to practice in a shala, to be surrounded by people practicing yoga, to experience healing treatments. But as I reflect, I wonder: if I am bringing the yoga to the event, does being in a retreat center space itself matter as much? Would a hotel provide a more comfortable and reliable experience for everyone without sacrificing the practice? Yesterday was the absolute worst experience I’ve ever had at a retreat center - but there have been many other issues at retreat centers that I haven’t had at hotels. Issues like not proper locks on doors, not proper fans/air conditioning, not proper service, etc. I’m starting to wonder if working with hotels is the way forward to prevent these types of issues, since hotels have a higher standard they have to meet. These are questions I’ll continue to sit with moving forward.
Closing Reflections
One guest shared this morning that she still felt numb from it all. I agreed. I had been in action mode all day yesterday, and I hadn’t even fully processed what happened. But what I do know is this: I am profoundly grateful for this group. It felt awful to be in that experience as a retreat leader. I know if I were in their shoes, I would have not been happy because what happened wasn’t acceptable. Their patience, grace, and kindness in the face of uncertainty was nothing short of inspiring.
My roommate - who believes everything happens for a reason - reminded me that the lessons will continue to unfold. And she’s right. But one lesson is already clear: the power of spiritual friendship, of sangha, of shared support. Yesterday could have broken us apart, but instead, it strengthened us as a collective. And for that, I am endlessly grateful.
We are always being led.
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