Day 7: Instagram Detox
Childhood Memories with Technology, A Miracle is a Change in Perception, The Craving Mind and Devotion
This morning, during a devotional yoga class, I rested in yoga nidra at the end, which is a guided, lengthy meditation, towards a hypnogogic state. This is the state between wakefulness and being asleep. Often, when you’ve successfully entered the state, your brain starts uncovering and processing unresolved memories in this time. I was struck by a vivid memory surrounding my parents relationship to technology when I was younger.
Looking back, I see how work and technology at times consumed not only my parents, but most of the adults around me during my childhood in the 2000s. (Also, seven days into my Instagram Addiction recovery, I understand how tremendously addictive these devices are, and how my parents were not aware of this when they got them - as no one was.)
As I reflect, I recognize the compassion I hold for my parents. They, like so many of their generation, were part of a huge experiment that they didn’t consent to (just like we were, as children who grew up in it.) We were all the pioneers in a hyper-connected world. Our parents were handed powerful devices—tools that functioned more like addictive substances—without any guidance on how to use them mindfully. And we, their children, grew up watching this unfolding experiment, shaped by it, and also participating in it.
For much of my life, I swore I wouldn’t follow the same path. Yet, in my own way, I did. When I was a grade one teacher at an International Private School in the Middle East, I never stopped working. I was a slave to my phone. I thought if I didn’t read and reply to every email from a parent even at 9, 10pm that I wasn’t doing my job well enough. When I was a teacher Instagram was just a personal hobby, an escape - not part of my job. But once I started my business as a Yoga Teacher and quit my job, being online, including on Instagram, became my work. Social media became a vortex: creating content, promoting retreats and yoga teacher trainings, managing online programs, and navigating endless meetings, emails, and launches. My life became an overwhelming cycle of tasks and obligations. It was like a hamster wheel I couldn’t get off of. Even when I achieved the entrepreneurial freedom I once dreamed of, living in Bali, I found myself trapped in the same unmanageable hustle, sitting in cafes, constantly working on my laptop or smartphone, rotating between the two, believing stress was simply the price of success.
It’s interesting too, when I look back on photos and videos over the last six years of my entrepreneurial journey. I see that the deeper and deeper I get into the online world, the less and less naturally I seem to “shine.” As my online identity became more and more who I was, I can see myself becoming less and less well over the years - the irony being that I was unwell - and working in wellness. My time in Bali over the last few years has been a gradual return to myself.
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali teach us about the concept of avidya—ignorance or misperception—which is the root cause of suffering. For me, avidya was my deeply ingrained belief that adulthood meant unrelenting work, that productivity defined my worth. Yoga teaches that our patterns (Samskaras) form our identities (vasanas) and our practice is to constantly keep peeling back the layers to see our true selves. I see now that my work had become my attachment, my false sense of self.
Seven days ago, I stepped away from Instagram. This wakeup call was prompted by a few moments over the last few months - one was an email exchange with my ex-husband, telling me about his blissfully ignorant life with very little Instagram use. One was multiple conversations with my sister, who told me that getting off Instagram was the best thing she ever did for her mental health. And one was a really intense experience through my travels in Costa Rica, and the opportunity to spend time at the end with my teacher, Rolf, who I admire so deeply even though he has 0 Instagram presence. He still keeps me engaged with him as my teacher, even though I don’t see 24/7 updates of the kombuchas hes drinking and meals hes eating for dinner and time lapses of his practice. (I watch this and wonder - HOW does he do it?? How does he fill a retreat without being on Instagram? And yet there he does. 30 people in Costa Rica. Watching that to me was inspiring. The only model I’ve seen for years from other yoga teachers is that you have to be all over Instagram, or you’re irrelevant).
I realized today that I don’t know what life is like as an adult without social media. I got my first Facebook account when I was fourteen years old. Being off social media this week, my mind has been the most quiet it’s ever been for as long as I can remember. During this quietness I’m finding my brain is able to reflect, process, and heal. Random memories keep appearing. Another thing that I randomly remembered today was about was about a year ago, when I was working for a Yoga School in Bali. My employer didn’t want me giving my Instagram account out to the students, as she didn’t want them to know about my community I’d built online, and see all the different courses and programs I offered. She made me a fake Instagram account with about 2 followers. That was what I would give to the students when they asked if I had Instagram.
And it ended up being an exceptionally beautiful experience for me, and one that I’m grateful for. At first, I thought that none of the students would like me. I think I lived with a fear for a while that people wouldn’t like me just for me - that they’d only like me or be impressed with me by seeing my Instagram and the fact that I had more than 20,000 followers. But the students still really loved me as a teacher during this time, despite thinking I only had 3 followers! And that showed me that I was loveable for more things than just my social media identity, and I found I had a bit more freedom to be who I wanted to be (and not just a character in a profile). In many ways, this experience started to propel me into this choice.
The Craving Mind
This past week being seven days off Instagram, as I began to take responsibility for my life in a way I’d only done before when I got sober from alcohol, it has felt like a detox, a withdrawal from a substance I didn’t realize had such a hold on me. Modern science describes habit formation as a cycle of trigger, behaviour, and reward. Each time we complete the loop, we reinforce the habit. This is the “craving mind” Judson Brewer describes (the book I’m reading right now, recommended by Rolf!) and it’s echoed in yoga philosophy: our repeated actions deepen the grooves of our vasanas.
Today was my one week off Instagram. At first, I felt the urge to celebrate my milestone by… posting about it on Instagram. The irony wasn’t lost on me. It reminded me of people in recovery who want to mark their sobriety milestones with a drink of alcohol. (I see that all the time on Sober Facebook groups and never understood it, til now. Now I do. The habit is so deeply engrained in you. I’ve been thinking about posting on Instagram all day). But so far, I have resisted. I realized that posting would pull me back into the very cycle I am trying to break—the endless loop of likes, comments, and dopamine hits.
Suffering
The Buddha taught that suffering arises from craving (tanha), and freedom comes from letting go. By stepping back from social media, I have begun to see my own craving clearly. When I talk about this with other people, I keep seeing how others are projecting their own dynamic with social media onto me by the way they react to this choice. I find them urging moderation or questioning my decision to quit. But through the clarity of my growing meditation practice, I can discern that these opinions aren’t about me. Every time someone projects their opinion onto me in this way, it’s a reflection of their own attachments. The more quiet my mind has become, the more I have the tools to step outside the narrative, and know what is best for me, in my heart and soul.
My Word for the Year
As I left class this morning, I wondered if I should change my “word” for the year. Every year, on New Years Eve, I invite my students to choose a word to define their year for the year that’s past - and one for the year going forward. On December 31, I chose the word bhakti—devotion - for 2025. Yet as this first week of 2025 has progressed, Bhakti hasn’t exactly felt right. This year has felt more like a detox, a stripping away of what no longer serves. I wondered if my word should be something more simple, like presence or clarity. Then as the morning progressed, I remembered my teacher Rolf’s words yesterday in our one-on-one call: “How you organize your day is what you bow down to. What do you want to bow down to? Do you really want to bow down to Instagram?”
What does Devotion Truly Mean?
I am learning what devotion truly means. It’s not about what we give ourselves to, but how we give ourselves—wholeheartedly, with love and presence. So maybe, bhakti or devotion can be my word after all, and it can be how I give myself to everything - my students, my classes, my work, my life.
Yesterday, my teacher Rolf said that by saying, “I’m an alcoholic” what you’re really saying is, “I acknowledge that there is suffering in my life.” For the longest time, I hated the label “alcoholic” and refused to use it when I stepped into 12 Step Meetings. Today, I’ve been thinking a lot about it. Maybe identifying as an alcoholic isn’t the worst thing in the world. Maybe, by saying I am an alcoholic, maybe I am not saying that I have a continuous problem with alcohol, but maybe I’m acknowledging that after six years of sobriety, there is still suffering in my life. And I’m making a choice to change.
As The Course in Miracles teaches, a miracle is a shift in perception. My miracle has been this realization: I don’t have to live in suffering. I can acknowledge it, as the 12-step tradition invites us to do, and make a choice to change.
With gratitude,
Alexandra
Ways to Work With me
One on One Coaching
Online Courses
The next Meditation & Pranayama YTT starts Jan 7 at 6pm EST. Check it out here.
If all the yoga philosophy talk inspires you, my next Yoga Sutra Study starts on January 20/21 at 7:30am Bali Time (6:30pm EST.) We would love to have you in the group. Check it out here.
3. Retreats and Teacher Trainings
Here’s a sneak peek at what’s coming up:
United Arab Emirates: February 18 - 23 or 21 - 23, 2025
India: March 9 - 19, 2025
Arizona: May 16 - 18, 2025
Bali: May 25 - 31, 2025
Bali 200-Hour Teacher Training: July 7 - 27, 2025
Bali 300-Hour Advanced Teacher Training: September 1 - 18, 2025