Day 69: Through New Eyes
Transition, Agra, and Stage 3 of RTS
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Through New Eyes
Today marks Day 3 in India, and I am honestly surprised at how seamlessly everything has fallen into place.
Last year, by this point in the trip, things felt completely out of alignment. I was deeply unsettled - stuck in a tricky situation with the tour company that had planned the trip. Their priorities did not reflect my own, and I found they were unable to react to that communication and meet my requests, as a retreat leader. As a result, many things happened that felt misaligned with my values, and I felt like I just had to keep going with it.
India is a place of chaos, beauty, intensity, and contrast. It awakens every sense, stirs every emotion, and triggers deep responses. For the women on my retreats - who are not drinking alcohol - there is no numbing, no dissolving stress into a glass of wine at the end of the day. We need time to decompress, to sit in circles, to meditate, to breathe, to integrate all that we see and experience, to prepare for the next day. Last year, that crucial space for reflection wasn’t honoured, and it was out of my control. It left me feeling depleted and discouraged.
But this year is different.
This year, I partnered with a new company that truly supports the intentions of the retreat - and I made that clear before even signing the contract to work with them. And the difference has been profound.
This morning, after a grounding yoga practice and a short sharing circle, we left Delhi at 10 AM. With one roadside stop, we arrived in Agra by 3 PM. The moment that delighted me most was watching the group’s reactions as we arrived at our homestay.
It’s the same homestay we stayed in last year. But last year, I arrived exhausted and irritable. It was late - 8 PM - and I was already frustrated with how things had been unfolding. I saw the accommodation through that cloud of exhaustion and disappointment. It felt like a letdown.
But today, we arrived earlier, rested, and in high spirits. And through this different lens, I saw the homestay for what it truly is—a place rich with character. Lush, vibrant gardens bursting with colour. A rooftop balcony with a view of the Taj Mahal. And the group? They were overjoyed. They loved it so much they didn’t even want to leave.
As I took it all in, I kept thinking about this quote:
“We see things not as they are, but as we are.”
Because last year, I wasn’t in a space to appreciate the magic of this place. But this year, I am.
The Yoga Sutra That Shifted My Perspective
This experience reminded me of a teaching from the Yoga Sutras:
Sutra 4.15
Vastusamye citta-bhedat-tayorvibhaktah panthah
Translation: The same thing perceived by different minds will have different appearances.
The way we experience the world is shaped by our citta—our mind, influenced by the ever-changing qualities of rajas (activity), tamas (inertia), and sattva (clarity). The homestay hadn’t changed. But I had. Last year I was coming into the homestay from a rajasic place (anxiety). And because I entered this experience with gratitude and groundedness, and a place of satvic state, I saw it as beautiful.
A Day of Joy and Softening into Change
With free time upon arrival, some of the group ventured out for a walk, others got henna, and a few chose to rest. One guest and I wandered into a local dress shop, where I found the Indian princess outfit I’ve always dreamed of. I twirled in front of the mirror, laughing with her as we both picked out outfits for our visit to the Taj Mahal tomorrow.
When we got back to the homestay, I said to the group,
“This is so not an Alex outfit. But this is an outfit that the four-year-old Alexandra would have loved.”
And in that moment, I felt like I was just a kid again. Embracing what brings me joy and what makes my heart light up.
The Power of Reflection & Community
During our long drive today, I offered the group these journal prompts:
What does transition feel like in my body and mind?
How do I usually respond to change, and how can I soften into it?
What is one thing I want to release as I move into this new space?
Later, in our evening sharing circle, the reflections that emerged were some of the most profound I’ve ever witnessed. After thousands of circles in my life, this one was among the most powerful.
Then, as the sun set, we climbed to the rooftop of our homestay. The evening call to prayer rang out over Agra, a melodic thread weaving through the hum of honking cars and the chatter of monkeys leaping from rooftop to rooftop. The Taj Mahal stood in the distance, bathed in the golden glow of twilight.
And I thought to myself:
India 2025 is literally saving my life right now.
This trip is exactly what I needed.
Healing, Presence, and The Bodhisattva’s Path
TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the stages of RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome). I recognized myself in Stages 1 and 2, but I had no insight into Stage 3 - until now.
Stage 3: The Resolution Stage (Integration & Recovery)
This stage occurs when the survivor begins to process the trauma in a healthier way.
They work through feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame and regain a sense of control over their life.
Triggers and flashbacks may still occur, but they become less overwhelming.
Many survivors find strength in therapy, support groups, or advocacy work.
Today was the first day where I don’t think I had any violent flashes at all. That’s a huge sign of healing.
On the bus today, I turned to one of the guests and said, “I’m so okay right now. It’s weird. I didn’t expect to be so okay.”
She looked at me and simply said, “It’s okay to be okay.”
That was exactly what I needed to hear.
People may have expected me to still be falling apart at this point (myself included). But I’m not. I’m integrating, I’m healing, and I’m being held by my community, my spiritual practice, and this journey.
One of the guests handed me her book on the bus, pointing to a passage:
“We could think of the entire yoga practice as a drive to generate an all-inclusive heart, the totality of which includes, ironically, pain and violence.”
Later, another passage read:
“…the awareness inevitably involves some degree of suffering… the first of the Four Noble Truths suggests that awakened life inherently includes the experience of suffering.”
And finally,
“The path of the bodhisattva is to care for all sentient beings, primarily by cultivating greater sympathetic resonance in the heart… The vow of the bodhisattva is a vow of the heart, and, like caring for a garden, the bodhisattva tends to the sorrow and pain that impacts the human heart …. This vow requires fortitude and a kind of radical openness to pain. As Trungpa Rinpoche once said, Our only weapon is the weapon of gentleness.”
— Yoga of the Subtle Body by Tias Little
My trauma has cracked my heart open. It has exposed me to deeper pain, but in doing so, has allowed more light to enter. It has deepened my commitment to this practice, because I now know, without a doubt, that my practice (meditation, asana, chanting) is the only way through.
Tomorrow, we visit the Taj Mahal.
And I’m ready to see it—not just as it is, but as I am, today.
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