Day 58: Wrapped in the World's Arms
Thank you friends.
My friend is staying at my house in Ubud tonight while I’m here in Uluwatu, teaching yoga. He sent me a long voice note when he arrived, marveling at how beautiful my home is.
Then he asked, “How are you doing?”
How am I doing?
I don’t even know how to answer that.
On the whole, I feel well. I wrote on Instagram today that my soul is coming back into my body.
Instagram. I’ve been 60 days off it. That’s the reason I got on Substack in the first place! And yet, I found myself back on it within the last 24 hours. Why?
Because I finally felt ready to share my story of sexual assault. I knew Instagram would reach the most women. They need to know about the dangers of accepting food and drink from men. I used to believe you had to drink alcohol to be drugged. But for me, it was a bottle of water. I wanted to share this message.
It felt right to share my story, but it was also overwhelming. For two months, I was blissfully disconnected from the world. Now, my phone is flooded with notifications, messages, and reactions.
I started to feel anxiety, and at first, I thought my unease was regret about posting. Then I realized it wasn’t from sharing my story I was getting anxiety - it was literally coming from being on Instagram again. Instagram causes me so much anxiety and leads me to be unable to focus. So now that I’ve shared my message it’s time to step back again. There is no need to stay connected.
Teaching yoga in Uluwatu today was challenging. I struggled to have men in my class. I didn’t even really want to make eye contact with them. Typically I used to kneel down at their mat, look them in the eyes and ask their names and where they’re from at the start of class. I make a connection. I do that for everyone - men and women. But today, I found it harder to do with the men. There was a barrier between us. A distance. It wasn’t that they triggered me—I just had no desire to connect. I don’t know if this is a trauma response or simply my new normal.
I kept thinking about Uluwatu today. When I left here weeks ago, I was fleeing on a motorbike, seeking the safety of my home in Ubud. I didn’t necessarily have a trauma response attached to it, but I definitely wasn’t dying to get back here. The reason I came was because I thought it would be good for me to teach yoga and lead kirtan this weekend, back in my regular routine. I realized it is nice that I am here - because my last time in Uluwatu had horrible memories - so at least I’m rewriting a new one. But after this weekend, I am wondering what my relationship with this place will be like and if - and when - I willbe back. I already called a sub for next Friday, and on Saturday I’ll be off to India. And when I get back?
I am not sure yet if I want to teach yoga classes here, or with men in them at all in general, anymore. Maybe my trauma response will change…but that’s how I’m feeling right now.
My home in Ubud is magical. I always envisioned building a pergola on the rooftop and teaching yoga there. There’s a hotel next door where guests could stay.
And today, a new thought came to me: What if I create a women’s recovery sanctuary? A sacred space for women to heal from trauma, addiction, and abuse. A place for mindfulness, for stillness, for transformation. In my home?
Isn’t it fascinating how having multiple near-death experiences at the hands of another human in one week (drugging and physical assault) can alter your perspective? I’m like: what do I really want to DO while I’m here on this earth?
Sometimes I wonder about an alternate universe where I was never assaulted. If he’d never assaulted me then I’d never have realized a week before that he’d raped me. I still would have been drugged and raped, I just never would have known.
What would that alternate universe be like? Would I be fine right now? Would I still be blissfully unaware? Or would I feel something was off but never understand why for the rest of my life?
I don’t know. I wonder how other victims feel who never find out they were drugged and raped. I’m not sure what universe is better.
In the middle of all this, my company’s bank accounts went into chaos. Apparently, financial transfers into India are highly regulated, and because I was wiring money for my retreat to several businesses and the invoices weren’t attached, my business account got shut down by Wise.
I couldn’t cope with dealing with it - so I just didn’t. I just lived off what I had.
Only at the tail end of my time in Abu Dhabi, did I begin to address it. But the accounts are still having issues, and I’m stuck - all my company’s money is currently floating in the metaphorical sky, lost in financial limbo. That shows how stressed I have been - that I don’t even care that the money I’m earning doesn’t exist in a bank account, lol. Tonight, I finally emailed my banker in Canada and pulled from my personal savings to deal with it. And it appears after several emails back and forth with Wise they may have opened my account again but it still takes a few business days to receive payments in… but at least I’m getting things sorted for India now.
Whilst sitting waiting to get the e-documents sent and signed, it was already almost midnight in Bali, and I got a message from Pooja, someone who’s worked for the Mindful Life Practice for six years.
One of the most beautiful parts of working in the healing world is the generosity of other healers. When people read my post, they have offered me breathwork sessions, hypnotherapy, support.
I declined breathwork for now - it reminds me too much of when he drugged me. Hypnotherapy, too, feels too intense - I don’t think I could fully get into an altered state.
But Pooja, offered me a Maitri Light distance healing. Even though it was midnight in Bali, I accepted.
Maitri Light is a rare form of Prayling - a prayer-healing process channeling Divine Energy through a trained medium. It’s a process of cleansing the mind, releasing emotional blockages, and reconnecting to inner divinity.
I sat in silence, closed my eyes, and wondered if I’d feel anything.
And then, I did.
Right at the moment Pooja messaged me to say it was over.
What came to me was: “I am wrapped in the arms of the world.”
I wondered if I would regret posting on Instagram. But I don’t.
Instead, I feel wrapped in the arms of the world.
Thank you for your love.
If I don’t reply, it’s not because I don’t see you. It’s because I’m overwhelmed by how much love I feel.
I am surrounded. I am supported.
Thank you.
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