Day 54: When There is No Silver Lining
The Problem with Spiritual Bypassing
This is a post I wrote a few days ago that I wasn’t ready to share at the time. I am sharing it now and I hope you enjoy it!
In 2023, I attended a live Q&A with a well-known spiritual influencer. People came to her with their struggles, seeking guidance, and she offered advice—trying to make them feel better.
I remember sitting in the audience, thinking to myself: Wow. I would never, ever run an event like this.
People shared their problems briefly, and because there were about ten people seeking guidance in just one hour, the speaker never asked any clarifying questions. Instead, she immediately launched into spiritual teachings, offering prepackaged wisdom without truly understanding what each person needed. In some cases, she even cut people off, rushing through the process.
I watched in discomfort, but the worst moment came when a woman stepped onto the stage and shared that she had cancer. She explained that because of her illness, she could no longer work and had lost her sense of purpose in recovery.
The teacher responded with, "Obstacles are detours in the right direction."
At that moment, the energy in the room shifted. People were visibly unsettled. Someone in the audience shouted, "Yeah, but her obstacles are not normal obstacles! She has cancer!"
I don’t know if the speaker ignored the audience or simply didn’t hear them. Either way, I left with an uneasy feeling, reminded of exactly why I will never try to force someone to find the positives in their suffering.
This practice has a name: Spiritual Bypassing.
What Is Spiritual Bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing is the tendency to use spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid dealing with painful emotions, unresolved trauma, or real-life challenges. It dismisses suffering under the guise of wisdom, often leaving people feeling unseen and invalidated.
But Alex, you’re always saying: “there is a reason for this!” Yes - but when I say that - I am talking about myself, to myself, and for myself, about my own life experiences. That time I got COVID in Mexico on a retreat? That happened for a reason, and the reason was x, y and z. I do this to make myself feel better about my own suffering. But if someone came to me and told me something horrific had happened in their life, I would never say to them, “theres a reason for this.” Because it’s very minimizing of their suffering and bypasses the emotions they’re currently trying to share. Does that make sense? I think that’s a really important distinction for us all to be aware of as we move through the spiritual world and think about how we show up for eachother.
How Spiritual Bypassing Shows Up:
Suppressing Emotions – Saying “everything happens for a reason” instead of allowing space for grief, anger, or trauma.
Toxic Positivity – Believing that only positive thoughts are acceptable and avoiding difficult feelings.
Denying Personal Responsibility – Using karma, fate, or past lives as an excuse for harmful behavior.
Over-Identifying with Spirituality – Avoiding real-life problems by immersing in meditation, yoga, or mantra practice without integrating lessons into daily life.
Dismissing Other People’s Pain – Saying “you need to just let it go” instead of acknowledging someone’s suffering.
Using Non-Attachment as an Escape – Claiming to be “above” emotions or “non attached” to relationships to avoid vulnerability.
Why Is It Harmful?
It avoids real healing – True healing requires feeling, processing, and integrating emotions.
It invalidates others’ experiences – Saying “have you tried meditation?” to someone in crisis can feel dismissive and isolating.
It creates a false sense of enlightenment – Growth isn’t about escaping pain but learning to move through it.
The Reality of Trauma
Right now, my nervous system is in chaos. I am a skeleton. I cannot even look at men.
I was numb for the first week. Today, for the first time, I felt anger—twice. And the anger overwhelmed me because it felt strange to feel something other than numbness and shock.
I don’t think I’ve ever had an experience like this—where I was numb for an entire week straight.
In reality, I am in survival mode. I am just trying to show up. This is a crisis, and I am doing the best I can.
The Most Helpful Thing I’ve Heard
There are some people who have truly met me where I am, without trying to fix or reframe my pain. They didn’t try to make me see the bright side. Instead, they said:
“You will be in recovery from this for a very long time. I think you need to get counselling. Who can you speak to in Bali about this?”
Acknowledging the reality of what happened is far more helpful for me right now than trying to spin it into something positive. Because the reality is:
There is no silver lining.
There is no reason this happened.
Right now, there is nothing that can make it better.
Maybe, one day, I will find meaning in this experience—but that is for me to discover, in my own time. It is my story to make sense of, my journey to process. And if I ever find meaning, it will be mine to share—when I am ready.
What You Can Do Instead
When I share my story, please don’t try to make it better.
Just be with me in it.
Your presence, your willingness to hold space—that is healing. That is enough.