Day 49: The Three Stages of Creating Chaos
We treat the addictions in the other in which they're killing us
Today, I had a session with one of my spiritual teachers, and I shared everything that had happened in the past week. I’m deeply grateful to have him in my life—he is a steady, grounded presence. As we spoke, he reminded me of a saying from addiction recovery: "We treat the addictions in the order in which they’re killing us."
I’ve heard this before, and I know that I’m addicted to chaos. But this week, that truth became undeniable. If I continue living this way, it could lead me into dangerous situations, exposing me to harmful people and choices that put my well-being at risk.
I’ve long recognized my tendency to create chaos, and maybe that was the root of my struggles with Instagram. Getting sucked into its vortex over the past few years caused me to neglect so many other responsibilities. But when Rolf framed it differently, it clicked in a new way: Trying to fix my Instagram addiction while still creating chaos in my daily life is like someone trying to quit coffee while continuing to be addicted to alcohol. Which addiction is more likely to kill you? Focus on that first. I’ve been focusing on the wrong thing.
Since getting sober from alcohol six years ago, I’ve replaced that addiction with chaos—through entrepreneurship, my business, and my social media platform. It became overwhelming, unmanageable. And as soon as one source of chaos settled, I unconsciously sought out another. Now that I no longer wake up to hundreds of messages, invoices, and responsibilities, I’ve started inviting chaos in other ways. Peace feels unfamiliar, almost unnatural to me.
The Three Stages of Chaos
Today, we talked about the process of creating chaos, breaking it down into three stages:
Gathering Wood – This is when I collect thoughts about the past and future, about people, situations, and stories. Instead of being fully present, my mind drifts into memories, anxieties, and desires. It happens subtly: "This moment is nice, but it would be even better if I had a boyfriend." Or, "Ubud is beautiful, but I’d be happier in Uluwatu." These thoughts start to stack up, like gathering fuel for a fire.
Lighting a Match – This is when I begin to identify with these thoughts, making them part of my narrative. It’s how I’ve been behaving in recent months—saying yes to people and situations that are obviously not good for me. Making impulsive choices without really getting clear on if they’re right. Or moving all the way down to Uluwatu - thinking it’s the environment that is the problem, instead of the fact that I am the problem.
The Fire – This is when the chaos fully ignites, turning into overwhelming emotions: jealousy, anger, fear. That’s exactly what happened this weekend—I found myself in a terrifying situation and am still processing the aftermath. It’s not that I am victim blaming myself for what happened - but if I were to change the way in which I’m going about dating, and stop seeking out men, or entering unsafe situations with them - I’d probably end up in way less problematic situations, like I have in the last few months.
The Path to Stillness
The antidote to chaos is vigilance—accepting that life is inherently unmanageable and that attachment only breeds suffering. My task for the next few weeks is simple: Notice when I’m gathering wood and gently bring myself back to the present.
Joseph Goldstein describes samadhi as “collecting myself into the bliss of being.” As I deepen my study of the Buddha Dharma—alongside Patanjali’s Sutras and the Bhagavad Gita—I see the wisdom in cultivating ethical living, known as sila. Buddhist practitioners follow five precepts, which can be affirmed daily as intentions:
I commit to protecting all forms of life.
I commit to accepting only what is given freely.
I commit to speaking truthfully, with wisdom, kindness, and mindfulness of timing.
I commit to using sexual energy with awareness and care.
I commit to safeguarding the clarity of my mind.
With ethical grounding and a peaceful mind, true concentration arises naturally.
For now, Rolf has advised me to take dating off the table entirely—and that makes sense. Given what I am working through, I see how I’ve been creating and choosing chaos in my relationships for much of my adult life. I was thinking as the day progressed that I may even stop dating for the rest of 2025 - focusing on only creating healthy stability in all areas - before inviting others into the mix.
I’m grateful for the spiritual teachers in my life, for the lessons they offer, and for the guidance that is helping me navigate this path. There was a time when I had no support - and now my life is abundant with it.
Earlier this week, I even considered canceling my Abu Dhabi retreat, feeling like everything was spiralling out of control. But Rolf reminded me: “Teaching is medicine.”And he’s right. Teaching right now will help me step into the person I am becoming.
So, tonight, I’m heading back to Abu Dhabi—back to a place that feels like home.
This year is about minimizing chaos and cultivating as much peace as possible.
With deep gratitude,
Alexandra