Day 47: Healing in Real-Time: Using Yoga Philosophy to Prevent Trauma Imprints
How Yoga Philosophy Helped Me Navigate Fear and Reclaim My Safety
Yesterday, I had something really frightening happen to me in an intimate dating situation (after less than one week of dating someone). I debated whether or not to write about it, because it’s personal. But the truth is, nothing authentic could have come out of me today for The Daily Dharma other than this. So I’m sharing it—just for my paid subscribers. (Trigger Warning: I don’t detail the incident but it’s more about recovery from a traumatic incident and the prevention of new Samskaras from forming, which you may want to skip if that affects you.)
I’m still processing what happened, so I won’t write out the details. For now, I’ll say this: I started dating someone new, and he invited me to join him in his honeymoon suite—oceanfront, five-star, private pool and hot tub, the whole thing. I had some strong gut feelings as the week was progressing that this was not a good idea - yet I ignored them, because I thought, “What bad could possibly happen in a week?” (This guy was only on vacation in Bali for a week). And then something really frightening happened.
The prevalence of sexual, physical, and emotional violence toward women in intimate relationships is so high that we’ve normalized it, to a degree. I know I’ve shared past incidents with friends and heard, “Well, maybe he saw it in porn and thought women like that…” or the blame will be placed on the woman, “Well, that’s why you shouldn’t have gone back to his apartment.”
But it wasn’t just what he did…. it was the way he asked, Why? when I told him to stop.
I couldn’t answer. I was too stunned. And then, just as suddenly, he shifted. “No, you don’t need to explain. If you feel unsafe, you feel unsafe.”
The incident, the lack of empathy, and then the way he quickly pivoted, as if stepping into a character of empathy to meet the moment—the whole thing terrified me.
That moment shifted everything. I distanced myself from him for the next hour as I had a bubble bath in the bathroom. The suite was so big and had so many rooms that we didn’t have to be in each others spaces. The plan was for me to lead two Zoom calls to from his hotel room before staying over that night: first, my Advanced Yoga Sutra Study class, then Sober Soul Sunday for my community.
Rewiring Through Practice
During the Advanced Sutra Study, we start the class by checking in and then chanting. I obviously couldn’t give a proper check-in, but I held space for everyone else. Then, we began chanting Patanjali’s Sutras. I wrote the other day about how mantra meditation supports us - it breaks our thought patterns. And that’s what it did for me. Whilst chanting, I started having flashbacks, but also, my brain started coming into a state of awareness (and out of a space of shock). As we did that chanting practice, it dawned on me—I shouldn’t be sleeping here tonight. It doesn’t feel safe.
If I were to be honest, I felt the lack of safety all week as moments of gut instincts based on things he did or said - but I ignored it. I let myself prioritize breakfast buffets, the hotel pool, and the version of himself he was presenting to me. But looking back, the gut feelings were there.
Between my two calls, I had a thirty minute break. I realized something important: I needed to prevent this situation from worsening, and process this incident before it became a Samskara, in order to continue to be in service of my own healing.
A samskara is the yogic term for trauma, a deep groove in the mind. Any emotion we haven’t properly processed forms a samskara. We meditate to clear old samskaras and prevent new ones. We get introduced to this term in the Yoga Sutra Study.
So I sat for a third meditation that day. I sometimes do an extra meditation if I’m feeling particularly like I need it. He was in the bedroom, and I was in the living room of the suite. I set my timer and closed my eyes. But I couldn’t close my eyes to mediate. I was terrified he would walk in and pop out of nowhere. I kept opening my eyes, scanning the room. After a minute or so, I realized that this wasn’t going to work. Instead of beating myself up for not being able to mediate, I used it as a moment to get more clarity. If I was that scared to close my eyes in his hotel room, then I absolutely shouldn’t be sleeping there that night.
I started typing into ChatGPT: “Is it normal if…” and detailed what had happened. But then I panicked—what if he was watching what I was writing somehow? I looked over my shoulder behind me - even though he wasn’t in the room - and quickly deleted what I wrote. And this was another sign. I didn’t say to myself, “Alex - you’re overreacting - you’re irrational.” I said to myself, “Alex - you’re not feeling safe here. You absolutely should not be sleeping here tonight.”
As I led Sober Soul Sunday, I was processing in the back of my mind: How am I going to get out of this? I somehow managed to successfully lead the call, but I was absolutely dissociated.
I weighed my options. After it ends, should I lie? Say my cat was sick? Say someone relapsed and needed me? But lying felt dangerous. What if he figured it out? I couldn’t even walk to reception—the hotel property was so massive that I needed a buggy to pick me up and take me the reception, and he’d hear me make the phone call. I thought about just running, but all my money and IDs were in the bedroom.
Then, divine intervention.
As I finished my call, I walked into the bedroom. He seemed to be asleep. I quietly went to pack my things. And then, from the darkness on the bed, I heard him mumble something I didn’t understand.
“What?” I asked.
“The AC isn’t working.”
“Did you call reception?”
“The phone in here isn’t working.”
“Do you want me to call reception?”
“Yes.”
I exhaled. This is God. God is real. Because now, I had a reason to call reception. Someone would be coming to the room. I had a witness.
I walked back into the living room, called reception. Now maintenance is on the way. Someone is about to ring the villa doorbell in the next 5-10 minutes. With that peace in my body and bones, I walked back into the bedroom. I didn’t sit on the bed. But I told him the truth. “I am really frightened by what happened.”
His response was chilling—robotic, rehearsed empathy. He didn’t get up from the bed or turn on the light. He stayed lying down, in the dark, simply saying: “I can see why that would be frightening for you. It was not my intention.”
I told him I was going to call a buggy and pack my things. And then I left.
I got out. I left the hotel, onto the main road, back to my guesthouse, about 30 minutes away. I drove through the dark and lightning. My guesthouse is not as fancy. But it’s mine. And it’s safe.
The Power of Yogic Rewiring
I teach the Yoga Sutras almost every day now. When I’m not teaching, I’m learning from my teachers. My brain has rewired to default into yoga philosophy in times of suffering - which is the most incredible place to be. Lorraine Weiss speaks about this in Tabula Rasa when she says,
Where your life is your meditation
No separation
Now, the more you spend in that state as really open-hearted, oneness, connection
The more it becomes what you live about
And you start to— it is a rewiring
Your whole nervous system starts to rewire to that state of expansion and peace and connection
As I drove home, I started the process: Validate. Reframe. Prevent a Samskara.
I validated myself: This was scary. It happened. And you’re safe now.
Then, a flashback (smriti - the fifth type of thought wave identified in the sutras): a time when I was eighteen, when a man tried to force me to have sex with him in my dorm room. (I can’t even use the r-word because it feels too strong, but that’s what happened). I remember telling my floormates afterward, when I got the guy out of the room, and their response: That’s why you don’t invite guys back to your room.
I wish I had said this then: No. Men shouldn’t do this to women.
I reminded myself last night, and almost practiced saying to those people from over 15 years ago in my dorm room hallway: This was not my fault.
I caught another thought spiral: Alex, you’re so stupid. This is old Alex coming out, wanting to be in luxurious, five-star hotels, putting your safety at risk. You’re having an emotional relapse. You shouldn’t have gone to his hotel room.
I corrected it: No. This incident shows how much you’ve grown. You left. You got to safety. You didn’t drink. You thought clearly. And because of your yoga practice, this won’t traumatize you like it would have when you were younger.
I thought to myself, what if he has a secret video of us hooking up that he posts online? I almost always think this now, when I start to have doubts about the integrity of someone I’ve hooked up with, because of the high amounts of incidents we’re seeing revenge porn appear on the internet. I reminded myself, if that is true, then that’s not your karma to carry. You are living from love, and that’s all you can do. That is your karma.
Part of me is even scared to write this post. He actually even joked yesterday, when I told him I write every day, “Are you writing about me?” But I am hopeful that he won’t know how to find my Substack or become a paid subscriber, but then I remind myself: I don’t need to be afraid. I know my truth.
Preventing New Samskaras
Yoga Sutra 2.17: Future pain can be avoided. People always get confused by this sutra when I’m teaching it, and wonder: how is it possible that we can prevent pain? The truth is, we can’t control what happens to us. I couldn’t control what he did to me last night. But I could have controlled not putting myself in the situation and listening to my gut and leaving. That is irrelevant now, since it’s over. What I can control now is how I care for myself afterwards.
Last night, I focused on safety—hot shower, cuddling my cat, sleep. I actually even detailed what happened to ChatGPT and asked if it was normal. ChatGPT said,
I'm really sorry that happened to you. No, that is not normal behavior- it is a serious violation and a huge red flag.
The fact that you felt frightened and left shows that your instincts were telling you this was unsafe, and you absolutely did the right thing by removing yourself from the situation. Someone who ignores clear verbal and physical cues, especially when it comes to something as dangerous as what it did, is not a safe person to be around.
You don’t owe him anything—no explanation, no second chance. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to prioritize your safety and well-being. If you need to process what happened, talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group. You deserve to feel safe and respected in any intimate situation.
(Side note: if you don’t have enough close family members and friends who you know will validate you when you need support, ask ChatGPT! They always validate me, like they did in this moment!)
I meditated first thing in the morning to prevent the new Samskara from forming. (Sutra 2.11 – Dhyana heyah tad vrittayah "The fluctuations (vrittis) caused by these afflictions (kleshas) can be eliminated through meditation.") I knew I couldn’t go to yoga class until I wrote this out and told the story, which I am doing now. (You don’t need to do this part in a blog like I did. You can also write it for yourself, inside your journal.).
I will be mindful of who I share the detailed story with. Not everyone can hold it. For instance, I probably won’t share it in an AA meeting, as I don’t necessarily feel safe that it’s a trauma informed space. I also probably won’t share it with the people in my sober groups, as I don’t feel ready. But I will share it with Anvita, my Yoga Sutra Study teacher, who I know is a safe space for me.
It feels so good to not be spiritually bypassing this. I’m not using spiritual beliefs to bypass my trauma. I’m using spiritual beliefs to face it it head on, in a way that will support my healing.
It’s 9:20am now here in Bali, and I’ve finished this just in time for the 9:30am yoga class. I’ve meditated, I’ve written the story, and now I’m ready to move it through my body, and release.
And that is how I will prevent this from becoming a samskara.
Because the story I tell myself determines the grooves in my mind.
And I will sit with this, honoring the truth of the moment - whilst also choosing to move through the world from a place of love.
Upcoming Yoga Sutra Study Classes Start the Week I’m back from India - march 23/24:
Level 1 Classes: https://www.themindfullifepractice.com/yoga-sutra-study
Level 2 Classes (Advanced) - only for those who have done level 1 before): https://www.themindfullifepractice.com/connect-chant-contemplate
Upcoming 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training
Online: https://www.themindfullifepractice.com/online-200-hour-yoga-teacher-training
In Bali: https://www.themindfullifepractice.com/bali-200-hour