Day 43: Navigating the Truths of Sober Life: The Unfiltered Journey (Paid Subscribers Only)
AA, Crushes, Relapses, Emotions after Intimacy, and the Return of Sober Curious Yoga
Today, I was teaching my Pranayama and Meditation class, and we discussed the importance of having a journaling practice. I shared how my daily writing for this Substack has been a valuable outlet, though at times, I have to restrain myself because I don’t want to share everything publicly. One of my students said, “I know someone with a podcast where paid subscribers get the raw, unfiltered truth, and the public content is more toned down.”
It hit me like a lightbulb. “That’s such a great idea! I only have 11 paid subscribers, anyway. No one is going to see this if they aren’t paying to support my work. This is exactly what the paid model of Substack is for. Why not start sharing my raw truths on a locked, paid platform?” So here I am, sharing my real, unfiltered feelings for the paid subscribers of The Daily Dharma. Welcome—I’m so glad you’re here.
Today’s writing is about all the things I’ve wanted to tell you about in the past little while but restrained myself from: my actual thoughts on AA, the crush I have on someone I met in AA (lol), my feelings as of lately around emotions after intimacy, my Instagram relapse, and why I think Sober Curious Yoga NEEDS a relaunch. Paid subscribers, read on! … (I’m praying that my crush and the guy I went on a date this week are not in my selection of paid subscribers but since I only have 11 paid subscribers I am going to assume they are not ahhaa).
I kicked off today’s class by admitting something I hadn’t fully shared before: I didn’t realize how much the AA meetings were affecting me until I stepped away from them.
Here’s the full truth: in the meetings I’ve been attending, there have been subtle comments about the need to identify as an alcoholic. I didn’t even realize they were aimed at me at first because I always try to assume the best in people. I’d never been to an AA meeting before, so I just thought, “Maybe this is what AA is like? Maybe everyone is just passionate about the label ‘alcoholic’ and how taking it on changed their life?” We’re all supposed to be speaking from our own experience, strength, and hope, and avoiding cross talk and giving advice. So I assumed the best in people, and I genuinely didn’t realize it was aimed at me for like, a month. But when I went to another group across the island, I noticed very quickly that someone else didn’t identify as an “alcoholic” and no one really seemed to care. Not one person highlighted the importance of the word in their shares, and the shares were actually more around the nuances of the program, their changing perspectives, and what they’d learned from eachother’s shares. It was truly beautiful. I started to realize - I think the focus on labeling oneself as an “alcoholic” was an issue with my specific group, and started to realize - “I think this is directed at me, because I’m the only one in these meetings who doesn’t label as an alcoholic.”
It wasn’t intentional, but I decided to take a break from the Sunday and Tuesday meetings. The energy in the group—around not just the word “alcoholic” but also the fundamental ideas about addiction and recovery—was wearing me down. When I took some time away from those meetings, I started to feel more grounded, less crazy, and more whole again. I told my students this morning, “I didn’t realize how much AA was affecting me until I took a break.”
One student asked, “What do you think you’re getting out of these AA meetings? Why do you keep going back?”
I’ve been reflecting on that, and I think I keep going for three main reasons. First, I love the in-person community and connecting with sober people. Second, the meetings provide structure to my life, which I’ve lacked in the past. But the real reason I keep returning to one specific group—even though I don’t feel like I belong there? I think it’s subconsciously because I have a crush on someone in the group. I keep going back because I want to see him.
A Crush in AA
I know it’s commonly suggested in AA to avoid relationships in early sobriety. And while I’ve been sober from alcohol for six years, my recovery from Instagram addiction is similar to early sobriety. So the emotional dynamics around relationships—especially romantic ones—are still relevant for me.
There are many reasons why it’s recommended to avoid relationships in early recovery:
Emotional Stability – Early sobriety can bring heightened emotions, and relationships might distract from the inner work needed to build a solid foundation.
Focus on Sobriety – The first year of sobriety should be dedicated to the program, working the steps, and strengthening a support system.
Avoiding Codependency – Vulnerability in early recovery can lead to unhealthy attachments and emotional regulation through relationships rather than through sobriety.
Preventing Triggers – Relationships can introduce stress, emotional highs and lows, and drama, all of which could potentially trigger a relapse.
So beyond casual conversations, we haven’t exchanged numbers, but I realized that’s why I keep returning to this group, even though I don’t quite fit in with the rest of the members. I go back because I look forward to seeing him.
I’m beginning to wonder if my crushes are more about my addiction to people than the people themselves. I want to connect with him, but my primary work right now should be on navigating those emotions. I know that when I get caught up in crushes, it often takes me out of the moment and hooks me into a dopamine loop. (I’ve been in a loop thinking thoughts about him since last Thursday’s meeting, which is almost a week ago. I picked up an oracle card at the start of a yoga class today, and it just said, “no-thingness.” And I laughed. Yes, no-thingness is what is needed, for me, in this moment, to let go of all my thoughts about the guy.)
A First Date & Intimacy
This week, I went on a first date with someone and even ended up at his hotel room. That was actually the reason I missed one of the AA meetings - because I couldn’t turn down the invitation to be his plus-one at a five star breakfast buffet. But it’s a super innocent story of how I ended up at his room! Let me explain it! He was staying at a five star hotel, and he said I could use his bath tub, and everyone knows how much I love bath tubs, especially in five star hotels, lol. My current accommodation doesn’t have a bathtub, so I jumped at the chance. After the bath, when I went into his room, I said to him, “I realize I’ve come back to your hotel room…but I can’t sleep with you…. not because I don’t think you’re cool…but because I want to be a functioning member of society.”
“What do you mean by that?” He asked me. I explained that I’ve started to understand the science behind how we feel attracted to someone after intimacy. I used to think I was crazy for how easily I got attached to men that I hooked up with. But now I realize it’s biological. After sex, several neurochemicals are released in the brain, creating a sense of emotional attachment and pleasure. These chemicals include:
Oxytocin (the “Love Hormone”) – Released during orgasm, it fosters trust and emotional bonding.
Dopamine (the “Reward Chemical”) – Released during pleasure-seeking behaviors, it creates euphoria and motivation to repeat the behavior.
Endorphins (the “Feel-Good Chemicals”) – Released to reduce pain and promote relaxation, contributing to a post-sex sense of well-being.
Prolactin (the “Satisfaction Hormone”) – Released after orgasm, it promotes relaxation and contentment.
This combination of chemicals leads to emotional attachment, especially when we seek emotional connection, not just physical pleasure. This biological response has evolved to promote bonding and reproduction, but in the modern world, it can lead to unexpected emotional attachments in casual relationships. So based on this, I’ve decided to stop having non-committal, casual relationships. It’s not because it’s not fun, and not because I have judgemental issues towards casual sex. It’s because I truly find I’m not a functioning member of society when I have all these emotional chemicals swirling around in my brain. The short term benefits no longer outweigh the long term affects for me. I want to be a functioning member of society. I want to be able to work, and stay grounded. I don’t want to be pining for this guy to text me back for the next two months. So that’s why I want to reserve intimacy for relationships from now on. (It only took me seventeen years of dating to realize this, LOL)
Navigating Crushes
Ok, first date aside, and back to my crush from AA: Here’s how I’m practicing navigating this attraction with him.
Observe Without Attachment – I’m trying to notice the feelings without letting them take over. I acknowledge, “I’m feeling attraction,” rather than “I need to act on this.”
Practice Non-Attachment (Aparigraha) – Attraction is natural, but clinging to it can create suffering. I remind myself, “I don’t need to hold on to this feeling.”
Stay Present in Reality – If I catch myself thinking about him, I gently return to the present with breath awareness.
Use Loving-Kindness (Metta) Meditation – When I notice myself thinking about him, I send well wishes without focusing on what I want from him: “May he be happy. May he be at peace.”
Embrace Impermanence (Anitya) – I remind myself that feelings are temporary and will shift over time.
Channel Energy Elsewhere – I have been trying to redirect my focus into creative or spiritual practices.
Allow the Feelings to Exist Without Needing an Outcome – I have been trying to let the feelings come and go without forcing any action or suppressing them.
Instagram Relapse
I also want to share something from my Social Media Detox WhatsApp Group: I relapsed on Instagram this week. It wasn’t intentional—it started slowly. I asked Indah, my social media manager, to post my Substack articles on my stories, and I began obsessively checking who viewed them. After a vulnerability hangover from sharing in an AA meeting that I’m a sober influencer, I found myself panicking about how my Instagram would look to people if they found my account. I started archiving, rearranging, and deleting posts, and I think I ended up spending a few hours doing that on Friday afternoon. I quickly realized I was feeling terrible. The cause? My Instagram relapse.
I immediately told Indah to stop posting anything on my account. Within a few days, I’m fully disconnected again, and feeling better. When there is nothing on my account, then I can go on it to access a resource without attachment. For example, earlier today I went to a yoga class where the teacher had the tarot card meanings on her Instagram account. I was able to access this via desktop and find the meaning I needed, without looking at anything else on the feed or my account, and exit it immediately. It feels SO good to be off it.
What’s interesting is that I don’t feel the same attachment to my business or podcast Instagram accounts—it’s just my personal one. The validation I get from engagement is what’s addictive for me, and this relapse has made me realize that.
From this experience, I’ve learned the following:
Community: Being part of a recovery community is absolutely crucial—not just for short-term support, but for long-term growth.
Trauma-Informed Community: Being part of a recovery community that doesn’t traumatize me is equally important.
It’s Time! It’s time to relaunch my recovery program.
I’ve been contemplating what to call it, and today it hit me: Sober Curious Yoga. This was the name of my community years ago, and it’s still relevant today. (By the way, I haven’t officially accepted this name - so it still could change - but I’m thinking about it! Let’s call it the ‘working’ name.) I think the name is inclusive and says what it is, in a clear and straightforward way. It’s a space for those curious about sobriety—not just from alcohol, but from anything that disconnects us from our higher power. Whether it’s social media, relationships, technology, people, drugs, alcohol, food, or anything else - we’re creating a space for people to explore sobriety in all forms. There will be a dedicated training to train facilitators for this, and most likely, it will relaunch in April (I’ll use the next two months of February and March to start creating).
I had someone reach out today, expressing interest in a yoga teacher training for sober people. And that’s when it hit me - the time has come to bring Sober Curious Yoga back. Stay tuned—more is coming soon.
In service and gratitude,
Alexandra