Day 37: Continued Questions Around Labels...
Surrender, Identity and the Journey Within
Today, in a meeting, I finally expressed to the community why I don’t use the word "alcoholic."
I told my story with alcohol—how I hit my bottom in Kuwait, how things escalated in Abu Dhabi when I had access to drink, how I got sober through online communities, and how I now support other women in their sobriety.
I shared that when women enter my community, I let them choose whatever words support them in their sobriety. I respect that using the word "alcoholic" supports many, but for myself, the requirement to use it was one of the things that kept me away from the meetings for six years.
I’ve been grappling with this—whether identifying as an “alcoholic” is something I should just do to support the community or if it’s better for me to stand in my own truth. I’ve been talking about this with my teacher Rolf, and he ultimately told me, “Alex, you are a thirty-two-year-old woman, and the DSM would diagnose you as having alcohol use disorder. You have every right to use whatever words feel right for you.”
I thanked the group for welcoming me and hoped they could still include me in the group, even though I didn’t use that word and whilst I am trying to figure out how to identify.
For the most part, people in the rooms are welcoming and kind.
But I experienced something that I realized, hours later, might have been passively-aggressively directed at me.When I debriefed this with my teacher Anvita, she said to me - “Alex - that means the yoga is working! If you aren’t personalizing the drama during your life - if you’re not automatically assuming people are passively aggressively directing statements at you - and it took you several hours to wonder if something was targeted at you - then that means your yoga & meditation practice is working.”
It suddenly pivoted from something I was feeling a bit anxious about, to something I was feeling proud of. I’ve grown so much in my journey, that I’m able to move through life with detachment. I’m able to sit in this drama, and not attach myself to it, and not let it impact me, and not personalize it. Until someone directly approaches me and tells me they have a problem with me, I’m not going to try to mind-read and decipher their behaviour, or even worry about it. And perhaps, maybe this is why all of this is happening - to show me how much I’ve grown in the way I handle life’s conflicts.
The Four Qualities (Sutra 1.33)
This afternoon, my teacher Anvita and I chanted the whole Yoga Sutras Book and Sutra 1.33 stuck out to me.
maitri karuna mudito upeksana sukha duhkha punya apunya visayanam bhavantah citta prasadanam
This yoga Sutra is the first method of meditation which deals with four types of attitudes towards people. These include friendliness, compassion, happiness, and neutrality.
When others are happy, be happy. When they are not, be kind. When they are successful, be encouraging. When they are evil, be indifferent.
In Pantanjali’s yoga sutras, he identifies the feeling of animosity as vyadhi.
He explains that none of our meditation practices will work to calm and clear the mind unless we heal our animosity. He identifies four important things we must practice:
Friendliness towards those who are happy
Compassion for those who are suffering
Goodwill towards those who are successful
Indifference towards those we perceive as evil
In other words, we have to get rid of Jealousy, Envy, Judgment and Hate. So even though this person is approaching me with some hostility, I can just approach them with compassion back. I set an intention to show up for this person with as much compassion as possible.
Surrender and the Three Options
In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle writes that in order to surrender,
"Ask yourself, ‘Is there anything I can do to change the situation, improve it, or remove myself from it?’ If so, take appropriate action."
So, as I progressed through my day, I realized that there are three options here, and that’s how we surrender:
Change the situation—Just say I’m an alcoholic and move on.
Improve the situation—Try to explain why I don’t use the word to cultivate relationships with people in the groups (which I attempted today, without much success).
Remove myself from the situation—Never go back to this meeting and move to the different part of Bali where I feel like I fit in the meetings more.
My default is the last one—to run. I’ve tried to improve the situation, but it hasn’t worked. I recognize that issue is not personal. Still, if my presence keeps triggering anger, it creates an unpleasant experience for both of us. And my default is to leave and not come back.
But running to another part of Bali where I feel like I fit in more in the meetings feels like avoidance. I can’t keep moving around the island, seeking the perfect external environment. The Bhagavad Gita teaches that true surrender isn’t about escaping discomfort but about facing it with equanimity:
"Reshape yourself through the power of your will; never let yourself be degraded by self-will. The will is the only friend of the Self, and the will is the only enemy of the Self." (Bhagavad Gita 6.5)
If I want to be part of this in-person sober community, I may have to surrender—to call myself an alcoholic, even though it doesn’t sit right in my gut. But is that surrender or self-betrayal? Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras remind me:
"Satya pratisthayam kriya phala ashrayatvam"—"When one is firmly established in truthfulness, actions bear fruit in alignment with that truth." (Yoga Sutra 2.36)
If I claim a label that doesn’t feel true for me, am I practicing Satya—truthfulness—or simply conforming to belong? (My teachers would both say that if I take on the label, then I’m not telling the truth. Which I agree with. But it also feels at times like I should just surrender to it so I can stop rocking the boat).
The Middle Path
The Buddha taught the Middle Way—neither extreme renunciation nor indulgence, but the balanced path. In this moment, I see my two extremes: conforming to a label that doesn’t feel right, or running away entirely. But perhaps there is a middle way—to stay, to practice patience, and to keep showing up in truth.
I still don’t really know what I’ll do. Let’s see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow.
As I write this, I feel drawn back to the sober spaces that embrace me online. And I see, more than ever, why my own recovery program is so needed—a space where women can define their sobriety in a way that empowers them, without shame or pressure to fit into one mold.
With gratitude and service,
Alexandra
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