Day 29: Why We Need to Stop Giving People Advice
Mindful Listening, Holding Space and Yoga Philosophy Can Transform Our Relationships
Lately, I’ve been noticing I’ve been getting a lot more unsolicited advice. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves, and as I walked outside today, I found myself wondering why it seems to be happening so much more lately.
Then it hit me—after years of being deeply immersed in the supportive and mindful culture of The Mindful Life Practice, I’ve been spending more time outside that bubble. I’ve been trying to make more in-real-life friends. The Mindful Life Practice, my yoga community, operates on principles of deep listening, respect, and a clear understanding that advice is given only when explicitly asked for. This is a norm I’ve established in our classes, trainings, and retreats.
After getting so much unwanted advice in the last few weeks, I started to wonder, “why are people giving unwanted advice to me more than usual these days?” It dawned on me: is this what the wider world feels like all the time? Is the constant flood of unsolicited advice a normalized way people interact? And, if so, what does that mean for how we connect with ourselves and each other?
Why We Should Resist Giving Unasked Advice
From my perspective, human beings intuitively know what’s best for them. When we offer advice that isn’t asked for, we unintentionally undermine this innate ability. Instead of fostering self-trust, we promote dependency on external opinions.
This pattern often begins in childhood. Many well-meaning parents constantly advise their children, unintentionally weakening their kids’ ability to trust their instincts. It can be simple things, like “You should save your money!” and bigger things like, “You shouldn’t study philosophy - that’s a hard subject.” Over time, when we’re constantly given external guidance, we can start to believe that our own intuition is not good enough. This can lead to adults who feel stuck in unhealthy or unsafe situations, unable to trust their own decision-making and leave.
The yoga philosophy concept of svadhyaya—self-study—encourages us to turn inward to understand our thoughts, feelings, and needs. Constantly seeking or offering external advice without reflection prevents this inward journey. Yoga invites us to create space for silence and intuition, tools that allow us to navigate life’s challenges from a place of deep trust in ourselves.
In my book Sober Yoga Girl, I share an experience from my mid-20s that highlights the dangers of relying on others’ advice. One night, my husband told me to isolate myself in the bedroom until I decided whether my unhappiness stemmed from him or my job. At the time, I complied. I had spent my life surrounded by people giving me advice, and me listening. I didn’t question his method.
Looking back, I barely recognize the woman I was in that moment—someone who doubted her intuition so much that she even outsourced the process of decision-making. It took years of yoga, meditation, and sobriety to rebuild the trust in myself that was lost by a lifetime of unsolicited advice. I am still working on strengthening trust in myself today.
The Art of Holding Space
There’s a quote by Parker J. Palmer that resonates deeply with me:
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.”
This philosophy guides how I structure my yoga retreats, online programs, and teacher trainings. We set a norm: no advice unless explicitly requested. This creates a safe space where people feel truly heard and respected.
When someone shares a struggle, they’re often not looking for solutions; they’re seeking connection. In yoga, we learn the value of ahimsa (non-harming) in our interactions. Unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intentioned, can be a subtle form of harm—implying that the other person isn’t capable of solving their own problems by themselves.
When Advice is Helpful
There are times when advice is appropriate, but it requires consent. If someone asks you for your advice, then that would be an appropriate time to give advice.
Even when someone is struggling to find a solution, I follow a two-step process:
Ask a Reflective Question: “What has worked for you in the past?”
Offer Advice with Permission: I will wait until a person has exhausted all their own ideas (and reinforce the ones that they do suggest). Then, if they still don’t have a solution, I would say: “I have an idea that might help. Are you open to hearing it?”
This approach respects the person’s autonomy while offering support when they need it.
I personally do take others advice, but it will often be an expert I’ve hired. For example, if I hire a tax consultant, I’m wanting their support on my taxes. I’d be pretty annoyed if they sat there saying to me, “what has worked for you in the past?” However, when I mention I’m currently working on sorting out my finances, and a random person gives me advice, unless they are someone who is an expert in finance, or runs an international yoga business operating out of multiple countries, then I’m usually not seeking their advice. I’m just seeking them to hold space.
Managing the Trigger of Unsolicited Advice
Dealing with unwanted advice can be triggering, and I’ve been noticing it happening every single day lately! For me, meditation has been a game-changer in managing my reactions. By starting my day with meditation, I build the emotional resilience to hear unsolicited advice without reacting.
When I feel triggered by unwanted advice, I remind myself of an important truth: people who give advice are often speaking to themselves—their current struggles or past regrets. Their advice reflects their worldview, not mine.
This shift in perspective allows me to see their intentions without feeling undermined.
Still, I often wonder: why is this way of communicating so normalized? What would the world look like if we approached each other with more curiosity and less presumption?
Building a Culture of Intuition and Trust
Yoga and mindfulness teach us that the answers we seek already exist within us. By listening deeply—to ourselves and others—we create space for those answers to emerge.
As you navigate the world, try experimenting with the practice of mauna (silence). When someone shares a challenge, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Instead, simply hold space. Trust that their inner wisdom will guide them, just as yours guides you.
By fostering this culture of mindful listening, we can transform our relationships and help ourselves—and others—reclaim the power of intuition and trust.
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Bahasa Indonesian Word of the Day
"Firasa" – meaning inner perception or gut feeling.
While "intuisi" (from the English "intuition") is commonly used, "firasa" has a deeper, more spiritual nuance, often associated with an instinctive understanding or subtle awareness beyond logic.
Example sentence:
"Ketika aku harus mengambil keputusan besar, aku selalu mendengarkan firasaku."
(When I have to make a big decision, I always listen to my intuition.)