Day 22: Why I am Thinking of Calling Myself an Alcoholic (In Meetings)
A Miracle is a Change in Perspective
Yesterday, I wrote an essay I was very proud of, titled, Why I Don’t Call Myself an Alcoholic. I organized what felt like valid reasons: human suffering is universal, and I wanted to identify with humanity as a whole rather than separate myself with a label. I even ended with a good conclusion: A Course in Miracles says a miracle is a change in perspective. Perhaps I’d have a change in perspective about the word “alcoholic” someday. But for now, this was my stance.
I still stand by everything I wrote. But as the day progressed, I reflected on the reactions of those who were bothered by my refusal to identify as an alcoholic. I rationalized their discomfort as their spiritual assignment, not mine.
Sitting in a café, I observed people around me—some visibly suffering—and used it to validate my point: Suffering is universal. Normal people suffer, not just people with alcohol addictions.
Later that evening, I read the final chapters of Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now,specifically the section titled “The Meaning of Surrender.” There, Tolle writes, “If you find your life situation unsatisfactory or even intolerable, it is only by surrendering first that you can break the unconscious resistance pattern that perpetuates the situation.”
While my situation wasn’t intolerable, it was clear that my refusal to say, “I’m an alcoholic” created unnecessary tension in my daily life. I’ve been going to AA meetings every day yet not abiding by the group norms. Tolle advises: “Ask yourself, ‘Is there anything I can do to change the situation, improve it, or remove myself from it?’”
The answer became obvious. I don’t want to remove myself from the situation. I want to stay in the community. But in a meeting, in the moment in which I’m invited to introduce myself, I don’t have three minutes to explain my nuanced perspective on labels. My refusal to use the term “alcoholic” could be misconstrued or misinterpreted, creating separation rather than togetherness. In my own community, The Mindful Life Practice, there is a norm where we don’t have to assume any labels - but this is a different community. The norms of AA—designed for cohesion and shared experience—exist for a reason. By not adhering to them, I unintentionally set myself apart, affecting the group dynamic.
The Bhagavad Gita emphasizes surrender to a higher path in Chapter 2: “Perform your duty equipoised, Arjuna, abandoning all attachment to success or failure. Such equanimity is called yoga.” (2.48)
A Course in Miracles defines a miracle as a change in perspective. When I went to bed last night I experienced a miracle. As I lay there in bed, it occurred to me: is my duty here to serve myself and stay stuck in my ways? Or is my duty here to serve others?
My opinion hasn’t changed on the word alcoholic. I still don’t really identify with it. But my opinion has changed on who is more important: myself, or everyone else in the room when I’m at meetings? My duty here no longer feels to cling to my individual perspective - but to prioritize the collective well-being of the sangha, the community.
It also occurred to me that my refusal to say, “I’m an alcoholic,” was what the Buddha referred to as tanha (clinging). I was clinging to my need to be right, to be understood on my terms. But the path of Dharma calls us to release attachment—to let go for the greater good. This echos Yoga Sutra 1.15, Viparyayo Mithya Jnanam Atadrupa Pratistham. Absence of thirst towards objects, either as seen or following heard spiritual teachings, is the acknowledgement of the mastery of dispassion.
Tolle writes, “In the state of surrender, you see very clearly what needs to be done, and you take action, doing one thing at a time and focusing on one thing at a time.” Reflecting on how much the 12-Step fellowship has benefited my life in the last few weeks, I realized my resistance to the word “alcoholic” wasn’t serving the group. Was my resistance to saying it a subtle act of defiance rooted in ego? As the Yoga Sutraswarn us, ego (asmita) is one of the five kleshas (afflictions) that cloud our perception. By identifying it, I could begin the process of letting it go.
I do feel a lightness with this decision. It doesn’t mean my identity is changing. It doesn’t mean I’m identifying as an alcoholic now full time. Maybe I’ll say it tomorrow, and decide it doesn’t feel right, and never say it again. But it’s just meaning that it’s not going to kill me to try to say it, if it means I’m supporting the group norms.
Tolle describes this sensation as the unmistakable sign of true surrender: “If you suddenly feel very light, clear, and deeply at peace, that is an unmistakable sign that you have truly surrendered.”
Today, I was late for the meeting where I had to introduce myself, so I got to skip the moment (that I have come to panic about, because of this label, so much). But I did bump into a friend, and brought it up to him after. “Nah,” he said, “These are open meetings. You don’t have to say anything. You could just be there hanging out.” He has a point. Maybe I’m making up this issue all in my head.
My teacher and I were discussing this idea of the label “alcoholic” this morning, too. He said that since he started recovery 35 years ago, that’s just what people said, and it doesn’t bother him to use the label. “But you’re a 32 year old woman. It makes sense that you might want to choose something different. Maybe you can say, “I have an addiction to alcohol and I’m working on my recovery.” (That sounded good - but it does still feel like a really long mouthful of words to say, and outside of the group norms.) But we did agree that there are many words from the 1930s, the time period in which AA was founded, that we would never use today. Perhaps the term alcoholic might fall under that umbrella.
I think tomorrow I might say I’m an alcoholic. Just try it out and see how it feels.
Perhaps the language of recovery meetings will evolve someday. Perhaps the term “alcoholic” will be replaced with something more universally inclusive. I would welcome that change. But for now, I surrender to what is.
As Krishna assures Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita: “By following your own dharma, you will achieve liberation.” (18.47) A course in miracles defines a miracle as a change in perspective. The miracle I experienced this week was moving into a further state of consciousness around who I want to serve: others, or myself? My dharma, my service in this context is to support the unity and spirit of the group, setting aside my personal preferences for the greater good of the group.
The fellowship has given me tools for sobriety, clarity, and purpose. By aligning with its norms, I can contribute to the collective. Today, I embrace the opportunity to surrender.
A miracle is a change in perspective.
I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes.
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