Day 19: The Courage to Cut the Cord
The Intersection of Sobriety, Spirituality, and Self-Acceptance
Today, I am 19 days sober from Instagram. This recovery journey has paralleled my sobriety journey from alcohol in so many ways. I feel like I am in the process of truly finding myself.
About two weeks ago, my teacher Rolf said something like, “Being an entrepreneur addicted to social media is like being a food addict. At some point, you have to eat.” And honestly, I get what he’s saying. But the idea of getting back on Instagram truly makes my stomach flip at this point. I plan to be off Instagram for at least 90 days—my first day back will be April 1—and then I will decide what to do. In the meantime, I hope to become evidence for other yoga teachers: you don’t need Instagram to have a successful yoga business.
Last night, I randomly Googled “Alexandra sober yoga.” I think I wanted to see if people could find me without Instagram. What Google auto-filled were searches like “Alexandra sober yoga husband.” It was a reminder of how my story—our story—has touched others. But it also reminded me of the threads I hadn’t yet fully let go of.
One of the most important things to me has been protecting his privacy, as he has been so kind to let me share my story with the world. I knew that if someone were clever enough, they could scroll all the way back to 2017 and see who he was on my page. So I decided today to go all the way back and delete the posts myself.
Scrolling through old Instagram posts, I found early snapshots of us together. Back in 2017, I’d deleted everything from our engagement onwards. I think because that period of time was so dark in my life, that every picture, regardless of what it was of, reminded me of depression.
But I kept the early posts, because they represented hope that we’d one day get back together. Over time, I couldn’t let them go because they felt like pieces of me. Yesterday, I finally deleted them. It felt like a cord-cutting practice—a tangible way to release attachment to the past while still holding space for the love and growth that relationship brought me. (Here’s my cord-cutting meditation if you’d like to practice it.)
As I let go of these images, I also reflected on what Instagram has meant to me. It hasn’t been all bad. Instagram gave me a platform to tell my story, connect with others, and process my alcohol addiction recovery out loud. But like alcohol, the dopamine rush of likes and the dependency it created came at a cost. It’s no longer worth it. As the Bhagavad Gita teaches, true freedom comes when we release our attachment to the outcomes of our actions. My decision to step away from Instagram reflects this deeper yearning for freedom.
This week has also been a rollercoaster of emotions as I processed my ex-husband’s role in my life through reading his book. I’ve written earlier this week about our ‘invisible string’—a karmic thread that ties us together. Today, during a meditation, it was said: “To be forgiven is to offer forgiveness,” which deeply touched my heart. Forgiveness is not just an act of grace; it’s a release of the karmic bonds that tether us to suffering.
In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali describes this release as vairagya, or non-attachment. By letting go of clinging to the past, I’ve begun to see the larger interconnection between us. Martin Luther King Jr.’s words came up in a meditation I joined today:
“In a real sense all life is inter-related. All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be...
This is the inter-related structure of reality.”
This echoes the Buddhist teaching of paticca samuppada, or dependent origination, which reminds us that we are all deeply connected. My healing affects his healing and vice versa. By forgiving myself and releasing old narratives, I’m contributing to both our freedom.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Arjuna grapples with his dharma and finds clarity with Krishna’s guidance. I’ve come to understand that my ex-husband came into my life to trigger a transformation. Would I have gotten sober at 27 if our relationship hadn’t unfolded the way it did? Would I be running my sober yoga community, living in Bali, or finding freedom from social media if it hadn’t happened? Probably not. This realization reminds me that even our greatest struggles serve a higher purpose.
Scrolling through an old Instagram post, I came across something I wrote in 2024: “Through the process of writing my book, I began to realize that that scared and sad little version of myself was actually extremely courageous and wise for trusting her intuition. Her shame made her sick; she didn’t need a diagnosis—she needed love and support.” Today, I have so much compassion for that version of myself.
Buddha Dharma teaches that suffering arises from attachment, aversion, and ignorance. My journey—from my marriage to sobriety, to letting go of Instagram—has been about transforming these causes of suffering into wisdom, equanimity, and freedom. In the 12 Steps, the 11th step encourages us to seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power. The Yoga Sutras remind us that this connection brings samadhi, or blissful absorption.
At the end of this rollercoaster week, I’m reminded of the conclusion I’ve come to before about this story: This moment, right now, is all there is. It is built upon many moments that I cannot regret because they made me who I am. For that, I will always be grateful.
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Online Vedic Meditation Training with Rory
Want to develop a consistent Vedic Meditation practice with Rory? In this training, which is four days, 90 minutes each, you'll learn the technique of Vedic Meditation with an expert teacher, and develop the tools to integrate a consistent, twice daily, twenty minute Vedic Meditation Practice.
Tuesday January 21st 6:30pm-8:00pm EST, Toronto Time (Wednesday January 22nd 7:30am-9:00am AWST, Bali Time)
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During this class we will:
Unpack the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, a 2500-year-old text, in an accessible way
Learn and understand some foundations of yogic philosophy as described by Patanjali
Embark on a spiritual journey toward deeper understanding of yourself.
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Mondays at 6:30pm EST (Bali Time - Tuesdays at 7:30am AWST)
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Here’s a sneak peek at what’s coming up:
United Arab Emirates: February 18 - 23 or 21 - 23, 2025 Letting Go Retreat
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Arizona: May 16 - 18, 2025 Sober in The City Event
Bali: May 25 - 31, 2025. A vedic meditation & yoga retreat coled by my friend Rory Kinsella and I.
Bali 200-Hour Teacher Training: July 7 - 27, 2025
Bali 300-Hour Advanced Teacher Training: September 1 - 18, 2025