Day 16: Sober Writing & Spiritual Growth
Letting Go of Addictions and the Path to Creativity, Self Discovery, and Deeper Service
In 2020, I completed the first draft of my book Sober Yoga Girl. The process was transformative. One pivotal moment came in August 2020, during an online Yoga Nidra class on my platform, The Mindful Life Practice. Yoga Nidra, a meditative state between wakefulness and sleep, often brings clarity and epiphanies. (You can do Yoga Nidra classes with me on demand as part of our membership here!)
Midway through the session, I was struck by a memory: the words, “Someone… please… get… me… water…” The words described a moment from 2017 when I collapsed at Kuwait Airport, that I didn’t ever remember writing. Curious, I searched my Google Drive and found fragments of a book I had started writing three years earlier, right after I’d moved to Abu Dhabi. Those five chapters were the beginnings of the same book that I had just finished writing, three years later. But I didn’t remember that I started writing it three years before. In 2017, I knew I was in pain, but I thought I had a mental illness. I didn’t recognize that it was actually complex PTSD and an alcohol addiction. I wrote a few chapters of the book and then stopped, turning to alcohol instead of writing.
It wasn’t until I got sober in 2020 that I could write the book from start to finish. Sobriety gave me the time, space, and clarity to complete it. (I ended up including that chapter that I wrote in 2017 as the beginning to Chapter 31, of Sober Yoga Girl, “The End.”)
Last night, someone emailed me after reading my Substack essays and said, “I think you’re writing your second book right now.” I believe they’re right. But the irony isn’t lost on me: just as I needed to quit alcohol to write Sober Yoga Girl, I’ve had to step back from Instagram to focus on book two.
I’d always imagined my second book would be a sutra-by-sutra exploration of yoga philosophy, drawing from the Yoga Sutra Study course I’ve taught for years. But I no longer think that’s what it’s going to be. When I sat down on January 1 to start writing, that approach felt forced. Instead, I’ve been writing like a diary—recording conversations, life moments, and lessons—and weaving them with the philosophy I’ve studied.
My life today has a lot more structure than it did two weeks ago. At the start of January, my teacher Rolf said to me: “How you organize your day is what you bow down to.” This has been a mantra for me ever since. It made me realize what a chaotic arrangement my life was. Prior to this comment, my days had little structure—I was working early mornings, late nights, and running on empty. I would take Zoom calls as early as 6:00am and as late as 10:00pm. (Sometimes, like when I was in Costa Rica in December, I was even taking calls at 3:00am. I’ve been known to get on a podcast interview at 2:00am in Dubai. What is wrong with me?) I worked seven days a week. I always said yes to every request - even when it meant I had little to no transition time between events and classes. I’m late to Zoom calls all the time because I schedule them back-to-back.
When Rolf said that to me, I thought, “What do I want to bow down to?” (He also asked me, “Do you really want to bow down to Instagram?” Which made my stomach flip). I’ve since reorganized my daily life around 12-step meetings, yoga, and self-care.
One of my students asked me this morning, “Why are you doing the 12 steps now, after five years of sobriety?” My answer was simple: I realized my addiction to alcohol hadn’t disappeared—it had transferred to Instagram, coffee, sugar, and other things. The core issue wasn’t the substances or behaviours but something unresolved within me. And until I get to the root of this, I will continue to have issues.
So for January 2025, I prioritize recovery and reflection. I’ve let go of the hustle, stopped taking back-to-back calls, and introduced transition time into my days. These small changes have made life feel slower and more intentional.
In fact, it’s in the moments of transition that I often have my biggest downloads, epiphanies, and realizations. I’ve noticed in a lot of my posts I’ll start a sentence with, “On my motorbike home I realized…” Most of my deepest reflections happen on my bike. Last night, for instance, I was riding my bike home when I started to wonder if my ex will ever say the words, “I forgive you.” It slowly dawned on me that whilst he hadn’t forgiven me officially, in his actions, he kind of has. I mean, I waited for many years to talk to him. And he had actually unblocked me himself, unprompted, and tried to follow me on Instagram in 2021. Doesn’t that seem like forgiveness? And he had emailed me back in 2023. The fact that he has sent me some kind emails, and supported my book, and even bought my book, is huge, after eight years. While he hasn’t said the words, “I forgive you,” his actions speak volumes. In my busyness, I hadn’t recognized the significance of this until I slowed down. I think it only hit me last night.
I’ve spent a lot of time in the past week stuck in a story from eight years ago. This morning, during my Yoga Sutra Study class, we discussed Sutra 2.15:
"A wise person knows that all worldly experiences lead to suffering and leave imprints in the consciousness."
This sutra reminds us that everything in life will cause us suffering. Even seemingly good things will be hard. We can become attached to them. We can destroy good things by feeling anxious and worried. And even if a good thing happens, it will eventually come to it’s end. Everything in life is temporary, including joy and pain. In a way, this reminder was somewhat comforting to me. Our marriage and breakup was always meant to cause us suffering. It’s just the law of the universe.
This year, my word is “devotion.” I think I am searching right now for what that means. What is worthy of bowing down to? This morning, in a class on the Isha Upanishad, we discussed a passage from the Bhavagad Gita where Arjuna asks Krishna about two paths: one focused on merging with the divine and another centered on service (Seva). Krishna responds:
"Those who perpetually focus their devotion on service are established in the most perfect practice of yoga."
This also came up a lot in today’s 12 step meeting. We talked about Step 12, which is to be in service, and share what we’ve learned with other people who are suffering. I am realizing that it sounds like service is necessary practice to live a life of devotion - whether through teaching, writing, or holding space for others. But service also has to begin with taking care of myself first. I cannot be in service to others if I am not well myself.
Right now, 16 days into my Instagram detox, my life feels slower, more intentional, and aligned with my values. By prioritizing my recovery and letting go of distractions, I’ve created space for creativity and transformation.
It isn’t just about writing a book—it’s about living in alignment with the principles I teach. With my values.