Day 103: From Fear to Love
Healing Through Vrittis, Toronto Sidewalks, and Bhakti
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
Yesterday, I think I was the most triggered I’ve been in a really long time.
I remember in those first few weeks afterward, the world felt unbearably scary.
I was afraid to be alone in the dark.
I hesitated before sipping from a bottle of water, terrified it might have been drugged.
Every sudden movement, every unexpected noise, jolted my nervous system like an electric shock.
I was transformed by the trauma. At one point, I couldn’t even imagine sharing a bed with someone ever again. I doubted I'd ever feel safe in a relationship. Men in public spaces seemed like threats.
This kind of fear, this hypervigilance, is a very normal, human response to sexual assault. It’s what the Yoga Sutras call a vṛtti - a disturbance, a ripple in the lake of the mind, shaped by samskaras (trauma) and kleshas (deep-rooted causes of suffering like fear, attachment, and aversion).
But slowly, over time, the ripples began to calm.
Firsts started stacking up.
The first night I slept without the lights on.
The first time I shared a bed with someone platonically.
The first time I meditated in the afternoon without locking the front door.
The first time I trusted myself enough to share my feelings with Marathon Man.
The first yoga practice where it felt like my soul had come back into my body.
I recorded (most) of these victories here, day after day, weaving them into my healing tapestry.
But somehow, on Saturday, the fear came back suddenly.
Maybe it was a horrific article I accidentally stumbled across about violence against women online (one I won’t link here - we don't need more darkness today).
Maybe it was simply being back in the Western world - the cold, wide streets of Toronto lined with glassy skyscrapers and bus shelters, filled again with faces I wasn’t sure I could trust.
Maybe it was the jet lag.
Maybe it was the coffee I wasn’t supposed to drink (sorry, Marathon Man).
*Other names include Mr. Doesn’t Use Plane Wifi, Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee, Mr. Z, Mr Shakshuka, Raja Haiku, Mr. Mimpi Indah, Habibi (My Love in Arabic), The Approaching-Boyfriend (Boyfriend in Waiting), Mr. Vritti, Mr. Jack Pot, Mr. Meditation, Rocket Man, Mr. Mantra, The Meow-ditator, The Rational Mystic, Burrito Boy, the-guy-i-like-that-i-feel-safe-with, him (the crush)
Maybe it was being around my sweet little niece - walking through the market, holding her tiny hand - and remembering the way my uncle cried when I told him what had happened, wishing he could protect me like he did when I was a child.
Maybe it was all of it, stacked on top of each other.
We walked through the market, the music, murals and food stalls spilling onto the sidewalks feeling almost surreal against the backdrop of my spiralling thoughts.
I couldn't look at a man without wondering if he had ever shared something that wasn’t his to share.
I couldn't look at a woman without wondering if she too had been violated without even knowing it.
I wondered how many of us were walking around, unaware of the violence hiding in the invisible spaces between us - the digital shadows.
The fear was heavy and present.
I spent the day with my sister, brother-in-law, and niece - there was love there, but it was layered with chaos, with the giggles and shrieks of three-year-olds on playdates.
I didn't have the space to unpack what was happening inside me.
That night, after reading "Have you seen my duckling?” to my niece and watching her drift off to sleep, I pulled out my phone and started typing a message to Marathon Man. I just needed to share it with someone. Not to be saved, but to be seen.
And then, like a small miracle, he texted me first.
I called him.
He listened while I cried. He said he wished he was here.
I said I wished it too, but, I also said, "I think it's good for me to be on my own."
For so long, I placed my healing in the hands of others, thinking a boyfriend, a friend, someone would swoop in and fix it. When they didn’t, the devastation was bottomless.
But now?
Now, I could share my pain without expecting someone else to erase it.
I could say, "This is mine to walk through. I just want you to know."
This awareness - this ability to witness instead of collapse into the fear - this is Yoga.
This is what Patanjali teaches us about the vṛtti-s.
The mind spins stories - fear, doubt, anger, despair - but the Self remains unchanged beneath it all.
Rolf told me once, right after the assault:
“Teaching is medicine.”
Today, teaching really was my medicine.
The theme of this month in Sutra Sangha is the Vṛtti-s.
(How ironic — or maybe, how divinely orchestrated.)
The Vṛtti-s are the mental spirals that churn the lake of consciousness.
Today, I taught an asana practice on the five types of Vṛtti-s - pramana (right knowledge), viparyaya (misperception), vikalpa (imagination), nidra (sleep), and smriti (memory).
And I realized:
Everything I was feeling yesterday - the fear, the distrust, the sadness - it was all vṛtti.
None of it was the true Self.
Just ripples across the surface.
After teaching, I felt lighter - held by connection, by community, by sangha.
And so, today, I'm shifting my focus -
From fear to love.
Here’s how:
Witnessing the fear compassionately. I named it with Marathon Man.
Shifting the physical state. Heart opening practices or long, deep breaths.
Ask - “What would Love say about this?”
Connecting to devotion.
After I wrote that down, then Spotify playlist randomly shuffled to this song I’d never heard before, which was a spoken word poem called Prayer by Lukis Mac. In it, it had this line (which I believe is a Gabby Bernstein quote, which may have originated from Wayne Dyer):
“A miracle is a shift in perception from living in fear to living in love.”
Toronto feels different this trip. Maybe healing isn’t a straight line.
Maybe it’s more like the sidewalks here - a little cracked, a little uneven, but still carrying me forward.
Join our Sutra Sangha this week
We’re exploring the Vṛtti-s in our practice, study, and conversations — learning how to notice them, loosen their grip, and move from fear back to Love.
You’re welcome exactly as you are.
🌿 Upcoming Events:
Wednesday 7:30am EST Asana Practice - Observing the Vrittis. Through a mindful movement practice and mantra meditation, we’ll focus on cultivating sakshi bhava — the attitude of the silent witness. As you build the muscle of observation, you’ll discover more spaciousness between thought and reaction, deepening your capacity for peace and resilience.
Saturday 7am EST Meditation Circle on the Five Vrittis: In this meditation workshop, we’ll dive into a specific practice that helps disrupt repetitive thinking patterns. Afterward, we’ll study the five types of vṛtti-s that Patanjali describes — and how they show up in daily life, trauma, and recovery. You’ll leave with tools to recognize and release the mental loops keeping you stuck.
Sunday 9am EST Asana Practice: Stilling Fluctuations. In this gentle vinyasa flow combined with pranayama and yoga nidra, we’ll create the inner conditions for stillness. This class is designed to soothe your nervous system, calm the busy mind, and cultivate a feeling of grounded clarity. Perfect for anyone needing a full-body and soul reset.
Sign up for the Sutra Sangha here.
Upcoming Events
May 25–31: Alcohol-Free Yoga & Meditation Retreat in Bali with Rory Kinsella — a week of connection, clarity, and calm
July 7–27: 200-Hour Yoga Teacher Training in Bali — become certified and empowered to lead *EARLYBIRD ENDS MAY 7*
Sept 1–10: Pranayama & Meditation for Mental Health YTT Module — explore subtle body, breath, and mind *EARLYBIRD ENDS MAY 7*
Sept 11–18: Asana Adjustments & Assists Module — refine your teaching and physical guidance *EARLYBIRD ENDS MAY 7*
Dec 27 - Jan 3: New Year’s Eve Alcohol Free Meditation & Yoga Retreat in Mexico with Rory Kinsella
Feb 22–Mar 5, 2026: Sober Women’s India Retreat — a transformative journey through Delhi, Agra, Jaipur & Goa
So proud of you, girl ❤️