Daily Dharma #105 When the Signal Gets Fuzzy
Spiritual Disconnection, Broken Laptops, and the Long Way Home to Ishvara
I haven’t written a Substack in days - and at first, I thought it was just because my laptop was on its deathbed. Every time I opened it to write, it would crash. I’d have so many ideas ready to go, but then I’d just give up. It got to the point where it couldn’t hold a charge even when plugged in. And then it completely died. Mid-Zoom call.
I kept putting off getting a new one, because, money. But then Mr. Audiobook (Mr. Doesn’t Use Plane Wifi, Mr. Doesn’t Drink Coffee, Mr. Z, Mr Shakshuka, Raja Haiku, Mr. Mimpi Indah, Habibi (My Love in Arabic), The Approaching-Boyfriend (Boyfriend in Waiting), Mr. Vritti, Mr. Jack Pot, Mr. Meditation, Rocket Man, Mr. Mantra, The Meow-ditator, The Rational Mystic, Burrito Boy, the-guy-i-like-that-i-feel-safe-with, him (the crush) just said, “Alex, it’s your business. You need a new laptop.”
So I did it. I went to the Apple store and got a new computer (and at the same time got roped into an Apple Watch which I’ve actually wanted for the longest time, because Mr Audiobook uses his Apple Watch to time his meditation in the morning, so he doesn’t have to get up and go to get his phone from the other room…which I’m excited about!) But back to the laptop… wow. Game-changer. This new laptop moves so fast, and I’m no longer tethered to a wall outlet. It actually feels like a symbol for something bigger: a new chapter. A reboot - not just of my tech setup, but of me.
Because, truthfully? Things have felt a bit… off. Not outwardly. Outwardly I’ve been thriving in Canada - every day I walk between 10,000-20,000 steps, doing barre daily either in studios or online, teaching yoga and meditation and philosophy, and keeping my body in motion. But inside? My spiritual practice has been flickering.
I stopped chanting because I didn’t want to bother the neighbours in Toronto with a church organ. I never made it to Toronto AA meetings because the timing clashed with family dinners and get togethers. I stopped writing here because of the broken laptop. But really, these are all my channels to the Divine. My outlets to stay plugged into something bigger than me.
Meanwhile, I noticed myself slowly becoming obsessed with the current sexual assault trial happening in Canada, refreshing the news every hour or half hour to read the updates. I started to be retriggered again into old states.
And when those go quiet, it’s like the signal gets fuzzy.
This week in two of my Sutra Study groups, the ones that are at the earliest parts of the book, we started exploring Sutra 1.30—the obstacles to practice. One of my students, Diana, said something that made my brain light up. She said:
“What if when Patanjali talks about practice, he doesn’t mean asana - he means spiritual practice?”
Yes. YES. Mind. Blown.
I’ve been moving my body daily, but my spiritual outlets? They’ve been cut off. And suddenly, the sutras felt like a mirror.
Here are the nine antarāyas (obstacles) Patanjali lists, and how they’ve shown up for me since landing in Canada:
🔥 Sutra 1.30 – The Obstacles to Practice
1. Vyādhi (Illness): Jet lag, digestion issues… check.
2. Styana (Apathy): Endless scrolling. Procrastination. Meh energy.
3. Samśaya (Doubt): “What’s the point? Does this work even matter?”
4. Pramāda (Carelessness): Skipped chanting. Skipped meetings. Skipped writing.
5. Ālasya (Laziness): Resistance to the very practices I know help.
6. Avirati (Attachment): Shopping. Scrolling. Overworking.
7. Bhrānti-Darśana (False Perception): Believing I have to do more to be worthy.
8. Alabdha-Bhūmikatva (Lack of Progress): “I’ve lost momentum. I’ve slid backwards.”
9. Anavasthitatva (Instability): Inspired one moment, disconnected the next.
And then Sutra 1.31 names the symptoms when these obstacles take root:
💔 Sutra 1.31 – The Signs of Spiritual Distress
Dukha: That vague ache in my chest. Missing Bali. Missing my rhythm.
Daurmanasya: That hopeless fog - “Does this matter?”
Angamejayatva: Doomscrolling. Restless energy. Can’t sit still.
Shvāsa-Prashvāsa: Breath stuck shallow in my chest. Sighing without noticing.
This is exactly the feeling I get when I’ve lost my connection to Ishvara. In 12-step language, it's when I've unplugged from my Higher Power. In Buddha Dharma, it's the Second Arrow: suffering about my suffering, the mental spiral that comes after pain arises.
It’s wild how fast that happens. I was just in Bali, leading spiritual groups, chanting, meditating, deeply rooted. And then—ping!—back in the West, I start to lose the signal. And I’m not the only one. I’ve been speaking to so many of you who feel the same.
So what do we do?
Enter Sutra 1.32: Ekāgratā—single-pointed focus.
When everything else is falling apart, pick one practice and stick with it.
Mine is Japa. I’ve been chanting “Om” again. And this week, I taught my niece to meditate with me. She’s three years old. Her mantras? “Ice cream. Popsicles. Pouches.” 😂 But she did it. Ninety seconds of pure presence. Proof that it’s never too early, or too late, to start again.
Patanjali then gives us a whole menu of spiritual tools in Sutras 1.33–1.39:
Sutra 1.33 – Brahmavihāras: Friendliness. Compassion. Joy. Equanimity.
Sutra 1.34 – Breath awareness
Sutra 1.35 – Sensory focus
Sutra 1.36 – Meditating on inner light
Sutra 1.37 – Reflecting on enlightened minds
Sutra 1.38 – Dream observation
Sutra 1.39 – Choose your own steady anchor
There are so many ways back. But it starts with noticing when you’ve lost your way.
I’m walking myself back to Ishvara. One breath at a time. One chant at a time. One writing session at a time.
If you’re feeling unmoored, come sit with me. This is what I teach now. Not just yoga poses, but the inner path back to your Self. Back to center. Back to Source.
Here’s how you can join me:
💻 My Offerings
1. Sutra Sangha – Monthly Community
A heart-centered space to study the Yoga Sutras together, casually but deeply.
Weekly live calls
Monthly themes (June: The Kleshas)
Study, share, meditate together
Come as you are, leave a little more connected
2. Yoga Sutra Recovery – 12-Week Healing Journey
For women in sobriety or recovery who want to go deeper into spiritual healing.
Starts June 2025
Weekly 90-minute group sessions
Journal prompts, sutra-based teachings, connection
Based on the Twelve Practices of Yoga Sutra Recovery, which I developed. I went through Patanjali’s Sutras and pulled the most valuable teachings.
3. Yoga Sutra Study (Level 1)
A deep dive into Samādhi Pāda—perfect for teachers, seekers, and serious students.
Starts August 2025
90-minute weekly sessions
Includes study guides, assignments, and optional sutra memorization
So that’s where I’ve been. Floating a little. But the signal’s getting clearer. I’ve got my laptop, my mantra, and my sangha. And that’s enough to begin again.
With love and gratitude,
Alexandra
P.S. Here’s my upcoming retreats and trainings list!
Retreats & Trainings Around the World
May 25–31, 2025 | Bali
Alcohol-Free Yoga & Meditation Retreat with Rory Kinsella
A week of clarity, connection, and calm. Join us in the lush jungles of Bali for yoga, meditation, and soulful community—completely alcohol-free.
July 7–27, 2025 | Bali
200-Hour Yoga Teacher Training with Jenn & Rory
Deepen your practice and become a certified yoga teacher in this transformative three-week immersion. Learn Vinyasa, Yin, philosophy, and more in the heart of Bali.
September 1–10, 2025 | Bali
Pranayama & Meditation for Mental Health with Jenn & Rory
Explore the power of the breath and mind in this 50-hour advanced YTT module. Perfect for teachers and dedicated students seeking inner calm and clarity.
September 11–18, 2025 | Bali
Adjustments & Assists Training with Jenn
Learn how to skillfully and safely support your students in asana through hands-on techniques. A 50-hour module for yoga teachers ready to refine their touch.
December 27, 2025 - January 3, 2026 | Mexico
Mexico Alcohol Free New Year’s Eve Sober Retreat with Rory Kinsella
Imagine waking up on the first morning of 2026 feeling clear, calm, and deeply connected — not hungover or burnt out, but truly alive.
Join us for an intimate and transformational New Year’s Eve sober yoga and meditation retreat in beautiful Todos Santos, Mexico. Nestled in a luxury villa just a 10-minute walk from the beach, this retreat is your opportunity to reset your body, mind, and spirit while welcoming the new year with intention.
February 22–March 5, 2026 | India
Sober Curious Yoga Adventure to India with Jane Ballard & Rory Kinsella
Celebrate Holi in India with a powerful group of ten sober people as we journey through four vibrant cities, immersing ourselves in yoga, culture, and connection. Along the way, we’ll share transformative sober circles guided by a licensed therapist. This is more than a trip—it’s a once-in-a-lifetime adventure of joy, colour, and soul-level growth.