I once read on a friend’s Substack: “If you see me posting frequently on Instagram, it means I’m in a relapse.”
I’ve been thinking about that ever since, because it’s true for me too.
If you see me posting on Instagram, engaging with it, or even talking about it a lot, I’m probably relapsing.
Stop me! (That’s a joke. You don’t have to stop me. I have to stop myself.)
I’ve spent enough time observing my relationship with Instagram to recognize the pattern.
In Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous, we speak about top, middle, and bottom lines. Top lines are practices that support our recovery. Middle lines are warning signs. Bottom lines are behaviors we know we cannot engage in safely.
For me, posting Instagram stories is a bottom line.
My profile can exist quietly without causing much trouble. But once I begin posting stories, something changes. Seeing who has viewed, liked, or responded gives me an immediate sensation of belonging, acceptance, and validation - or temporary relief from whatever I was feeling before I picked up my phone.
My IG relapses usually begin innocently: I need to promote an event, class, or program. I tell myself Instagram is part of my job, and sometimes it genuinely is.
But then I check who viewed the story. I rewatch it to make sure I feel okay about what I shared. That leads to watching other people’s stories, and soon I’m caught in comparison, jealousy, envy, and craving.
In yoga philosophy, these forces are described as the six ṣaḍripu - the inner enemies that disturb the mind:
Kāma: desire and craving
Krodha: anger
Lobha: greed
Moha: attachment
Mada: pride
Mātsarya: jealousy
These are not abstract spiritual ideas. I can watch them arise, one after another, through an app on my phone.
The Buddha traced suffering to taṇhā: the thirst that insists the next sensation, achievement, possession, or moment of recognition will finally satisfy us. Instagram gives me an unlimited stream of objects.
There is always another view. Another response. Another story.
Much like one beer became many beers, one Instagram story becomes many stories.
My attention begins focusing around Instagram. I check it when I wake up, whenever I have an unoccupied moment, and again before sleep.
There is a recovery saying: Addiction is giving up everything for one thing; recovery is giving up one thing for everything.
Whenever I step away from Instagram, I see what I have been neglecting. Spreadsheets haven’t been completed. Messages haven’t been answered. Problems within my business have gone unaddressed. People I love haven’t been called.
Instagram is not alcohol, and it has not brought the same consequences into my life. But I recognize the same habits underneath it: craving, fear, self-will, and the impulse to escape myself.
Mindfulness restores our capacity to recognize:
This is what is happening.
This is what I am feeling.
This is where this path leads.
That recognition is the beginning of choice.
Yoga Sūtra 1.1 says:
Atha yogānuśāsanam.
Now, the teaching of yoga.
I hear Step One in the word atha: now.
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. that our lives had become unmanageable.”
For me, Step One is the willingness to admit that something is not working. It is the moment I stop negotiating with reality and meet this moment exactly as it is.
During our online women’s lunar kirtan and chanting circle last Sunday, something clicked. I saw what I had spent two years trying not to see:
I cannot use Instagram stories moderately.
I keep trying to convince myself that my Instagram addiction isn’t really that bad. Everyone uses it. I need it to promote my business.
But Step One asks me to stop measuring my experience against anyone else’s and become honest about what Instagram does to me.
Last weekend, the woman I am seeing commented on how much my energy had changed during the previous two weeks. During yoga the next day, I realized that two weeks was exactly when I had reactivated Instagram to promote an event.
The more I promoted, engaged, and shared, the less connected she felt to me.
So apparently, to be a good partner, I have to stay off Instagram.
Addiction is wild.
Patañjali tells us in Yoga Sūtra 1.12 that the fluctuations of the mind are quieted through abhyāsa and vairāgya—sustained practice and non-attachment.
Recovery asks for both.
I need the repeated practice of returning, and the willingness to release what keeps pulling me away. Neither is a single decision. Both must be renewed, sometimes daily and sometimes moment by moment.
Recovery is not something I completed when I stopped drinking. It is how I continually meet the mind that once needed alcohol and now searches for other exits.
I believed I might relapse if I did not come out as a lesbian. Then part of me believed that once I came out, everything inside me would resolve. But neural pathways run deep, and habits of dissociation are strong. In even a short time away from Instagram, I’m feeling things again: anger, frustration, the strength of my boundaries, and the desire to speak honestly.
Buddhist practice does not ask us to make every experience pleasant. It asks us to develop the capacity to remain present with experience as it is. When we stop escaping the present through Instagram, alcohol, food, relationships, work, or anything else, we encounter what is actually here.
This is not always peaceful.
Sometimes the present contains grief, loneliness, anger, fear, or an overdue phone call. But it also contains our life.
The Buddha Dharma, Patañjali’s Yoga Sūtras, and the Twelve Steps offer different languages for the same movement:
Stop running. Observe honestly. Loosen the grip of craving. Return.
Keep meeting the present.
A practice of long-term recovery
A small group of women has come together for twelve weeks of Sober Women’s Yoga on Zoom.
We meet live on Zoom from North America and Asia to practice, chant, journal, and share honestly. We still have a couple of spaces available, and you are welcome to join us.
I suspect we will continue exploring recovery long after these twelve weeks are complete.
Recovery is not a quick fix.
It is a lifetime practice.
My first sponsor taught me this prayer:
God, today help me set aside everything I think I know about You, myself, others, and my recovery, so that I may have an open mind and a new experience. Please help me see the truth.
Recently, I began weaving it together with the Asato Mā mantra:
Om Asato Mā Sad Gamaya
Lead me from illusion to truth.
Tamaso Mā Jyotir Gamaya
Lead me from darkness to light.
Mṛtyor Mā Amṛtaṃ Gamaya
Lead me from death to immortality.
Om Śāntiḥ Śāntiḥ Śāntiḥ
Om, peace, peace, peace.
Watch or listen to the prayer here.
Upcoming Ways to Practice With Us:
Join Sober Women’s Yoga
We have a couple of spaces left in our twelve-week circle that meets Mondays at 7:00am Bali Time (Sundays at 7:00pm EST) . We’ll continue meeting each week to practice yoga, chant, journal, and explore the lifelong path of recovery together.
https://alexandramcrobert.thrivecart.com/sober-womens-yoga-circle-bhakti-flow-6/
Resting & Flowing with the Sutras
Our new Resting & Flowing With the Sutras series starts October 8. Join us for 12 weeks of movement revolving around “Pathways to a Peaceful Mind.” We meet on Thursdays at 7:00am Bali Time (Wednesdays at 7:00pm EST). You can sign up here:
https://alexandramcrobert.thrivecart.com/resting-and-flowing-with-the-sutras/
Come to Mexico With us for New Years!
We have a couple of spaces left on our New Years Mexico Retreat. You can save a spot here!
https://www.themindfullifepractice.com/mexico-retreat
And Finally… a trip to Rishikesh, India, is in the works.
Stay tuned for more information very soon!