#218 It Feels Like I'm No Longer Hiding
AA, Coming Out & The Freedom of Being Seen...
This weekend has felt like a big weekend for me. I’m here at the Alcoholics Anonymous convention in Sanur for the second time. I never expected that I would be attending this convention, or that I would fall in love with it (and AA) so much!
I have been sober for seven years, but I pretty much built my career on being anti-AA for the first five, which is hilarious to me now. I read a book about how AA was patriarchal and decided it wasn’t for me. Without ever going to a meeting, I decided that I didn’t like the word alcoholic, that I didn’t agree with the disease model of addiction, that I didn’t believe I had defects, and so on, and so on, and so on. Therefore, this program was not for me.
My teacher Rolf used to say to me, “Don’t get lost in the sauce,” whenever I would complain about these aspects of the program. And he’s right. If you just ignore the things that you don’t like and appreciate the things that you do like - I promise, you will get a lot out of 12 step programs.
So even though I didn’t like everything about AA, I kept going. I kept going because the meetings and the people there made me feel good.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago what I liked about AA, and I explained it like this: it’s just a room full of people who are trying to find God. They’re trying to make their lives better. And they’re trying to step out of victim mentality.
Those are things that I really want in my life. I want to be connected to a higher power. I want to make good choices. I want to clean up my side of the street. And that’s what I like about being part of the program.
What I get out of AA is that it is simply good living.
I want to be in rooms full of people who inspire me to become the highest version of myself.
Something I loved about AA this last year in particular is that it gave me a confidential space where I knew my anonymity would be protected. As I practiced coming out as queer, I knew that the rooms of NA & AA were rooms where I would be loved and accepted. It didn’t feel like something to bring into my space as a yoga teacher/space holder until it was fully integrated. (Brene Brown says to speak from the scar, not the wound). So I didn’t talk about it with yoga students. AA gave me a place to speak about it in the interim. And what I appreciated about that was that I didn’t have to worry about my story becoming public before I was ready for it.
Before and after meetings were the spaces where I talked about my sexuality long before I had anywhere else to speak about it. I recognize what a privilege that is. Not everyone has that kind of community. And I’m grateful.
This weekend has also felt like another opportunity to step into a new version of myself. I found myself throughout the weekend identifying as a Goddess Worshipper very openly! What I’m appreciating (and didn’t realize would be a side effect of this) is how it’s shifting my relationships with men.
I realize it’s the quickest way to drop all the things that used to come up between me and men. A layer of ambiguity disappears. There is no longer the worry that my being nice will be interpreted as flirting. There are no thoughts about romantic potential. No worries about managing attraction or rejection. This has become a really quick way to build a platonic friendship with men that I feel like I didn’t have before.
There’s a subtle shift happening, too. I am no longer trying to attract men, or be chosen by them. And it’s changing my energy in ways that feel surprisingly significant. I’m more relaxed. More authentic. Less concerned with how I am being perceived.
It feels like I’m no longer hiding.
So part of what I’m feeling is not just identity. It’s freedom.
And the coming out journey has a parallel with sobriety.
When I first came out as sober, I thought it would make me less connected to people. I worried that I would be different. That I would no longer fit in. That I would lose something.
Instead, I became more connected.
The same thing is happening now. Identifying as a Goddess Worshipper is making me more connected, not less. I can stop playing a character that never fully fit.
Laura McKowen, in We Are the Luckiest, writes about how those of us who struggle with alcohol may actually be the luckiest because we get to experience the contrast. We know what it feels like to live one way, and then we know what it feels like to live another.
I’m beginning to feel that same clarity in this part of my life.
Because I know what it felt like before.
And now I know what it feels like to walk into a room as myself.
Bali Bhakti: Authenticity
A 12-Week Journey Through Shame, Belonging, Truth, and Devotion
This Monday, I begin a new 12-week Bali Bhakti series called Authenticity.
You can sign up for authenticity here!
Over the past year, authenticity has become less of an idea and more of a practice. A practice of telling the truth. A practice of letting go of roles that no longer fit. A practice of belonging to myself before I belong anywhere else.
The guiding question for the series is:
Who am I becoming when I stop pretending?
Each week we’ll explore this question through yoga, mantra, mudra, meditation, reflection, and community.
Week 1: Returning to the Heart
Theme: Remembering who you are beneath conditioning
Mantra: Gayatri Mantra
Mudra: Anjali Mudra
Week 2: Safety & Grounding
Theme: Creating inner safety to be authentic
Mantra: Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha
Mudra: Ganesha Mudra
Week 3: Releasing Shame
Theme: Letting go of the belief that something is wrong with you
Mantra: Om Mani Padme Hum
Mudra: Hridaya Mudra
Week 4: Voice & Truth
Theme: Speaking your truth
Mantra: Om Aim Saraswatyai Namaha
Mudra: Saraswati Mudra
Week 5: Devotion Over Performance
Theme: Moving from proving to offering
Mantra: Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya
Mudra: Padma Mudra
Week 6: Softness
Theme: Letting yourself be held
Mantra: Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
Mudra: Hakini Mudra
Week 7: Grief & Longing
Theme: The journey of becoming
Mantra: Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Mudra: Lotus Mudra
Week 8: Belonging
Theme: Finding home within yourself
Mantra: Om Namo Narayanaya
Mudra: Anjali Mudra at Heart
Week 9: Courage to Be Seen
Theme: Visibility and vulnerability
Mantra: Om Dum Durgayei Namaha
Mudra: Durga Mudra
Week 10: Divine Feminine
Theme: Reclaiming intuition and inner wisdom
Mantra: Jai Ma
Mudra: Yoni Mudra
Week 11: Surrender
Theme: Trusting the unfolding
Mantra: Om Namah Shivaya
Mudra: Kali Mudra
Week 12: Authentic Devotion
Theme: Living as your true self
Mantra: Sat Narayan Wahe Guru
Mudra: Hridaya Mudra
Freedom doesn’t come from becoming someone new - it’s having the courage to become who you always were.
It’s the last chance to sign up for Authenticity. You can sign up here.
Love this and recovery community