#205 "God is Doing for Me What I Could Not Do For Myself."
On how a higher power eliminated my coffee + Instagram addictions in four days!
I stopped writing on Substack as much over the last few months.
There are a lot of reasons for that (read: excuses). First of all, life has been wildly full. When I really reflect on the last few months, it’s been profound. Through January and February, there was drop-in yoga every single day at the new home yoga shala I opened here in Bali - Mindful Bali. Towards the end of February, I took a group to India for two weeks, traveling through four cities. I had a seven-day break before starting our current YTT group. They will have been here for twenty-two days when they wrap up on Sunday!
Talk about a wild adventure.
That YTT group is about to conclude, and I realize I’ve barely written anything for Substack during that time.
So yes…I have been busy!
Second… part of the writing block has been me beginning to explore parts of my story that I haven’t fully felt ready to share. I did sit down and write for three hours on Sunday morning in Sanur, something I ultimately didn’t send, but it felt really good to let it move through me.
Third… my voice has been changing mediums.
When I first started this Substack, it was called The Daily Dharma. Lately, I’ve been giving more dharma talks in my yoga classes and during kirtans. A dharma talk, to me, is when a facilitator enters a meditative state and channels what needs to be said - what wants to come through.
For a long time, Substack was that outlet.
Now, I’m speaking it live, in the moment, while I drone the harmonium. So yes, my voice has changed mediums.
But if I strip all of these excuses away, the deeper truth is this:
My addictions were creeping back in.
Coffee and Instagram, primarily.
Instagram is the one that takes my time. I scroll and scroll and scroll when I should be allowing my brain to rest. To integrate. I’m aware of this. When I made it sixty days off Instagram in January/February 2025 it was amazing! Same with December 2025. But once I get looped in again - I get stuck. There’s actually research now showing that constant scrolling overstimulates the brain’s dopamine pathways, training us to seek quick hits of reward and reducing our ability to focus deeply or tolerate stillness. It fragments attention.
And I could feel that happening to me.
Even emotionally - I was more reactive, less present, less anchored in myself.
(And in this week’s news, Meta has even been found liable in lawsuits related to addictive platform design. How wild.)
But coffee… I don’t think I realized how much it was dysregulating my system until last week. On Saturday, I went to my cranio sacral therapist, and she spent most of the session trying to bring me into my parasympathetic nervous system.
Coffee stimulates cortisol and adrenaline, keeping the body in a low-grade “fight or flight” state. Over time, it can increase anxiety, disrupt sleep cycles, and make it harder for the nervous system to settle.
And that’s exactly what I was feeling.
Wired. Activated. Not fully here.
I knew I needed to let both of these go.
I knew they were blocking my ability to write. To feel. To listen. (At the same time, they were protecting me from these intense things. But we build up all these walls to protect us throughout our lives - and then eventually they are no longer protecting us, they are blocking us from connection.)
I knew I needed to quit coffee and Instagram. And then what happened?
God did for me what I could not do for myself.
When I used to chair a Promises meeting in AA, we would read this line every week:
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
And this week, I lived it.
I got back from Sanur, and on Tuesday morning my stomach was off. Suddenly, I couldn’t tolerate coffee at all. Just like that, I stopped drinking it. Overnight.
I’m now four days off coffee.
My meditation teacher, Dr. Rajani, told me immediately about a few days into this transition that my voice sounded more rested. And it’s true - my sleep has been deeper. I fall asleep right around 8:30pm these days and sleep til 4:45 when I wake up for meditation. I’ve started having vivid dreams again, and even visualizations during meditation.
There’s science behind that too - once caffeine leaves the system, the brain can rebalance adenosine receptors (which regulate sleep pressure), leading to deeper rest and clearer cognitive function.
And then… this afternoon, I dropped my phone.
The screen shattered.
I had already been about three days not posting on Instagram - it had just stopped feeling good. It was clear I needed space.
(You may still see content being posted—that’s Indah, our social media manager, working behind the scenes.)
I could go get my phone fixed.
But instead of panic about this… I felt relief.
My phone breaking interrupted the habit loop instantly.
Studies show that even short breaks from social media - just a few days - can significantly reduce our anxiety, improve our mood, and increase present-moment awareness.
And I felt that immediately.
Spaciousness. Quiet. Clarity.
I don’t even feel the urge to go back right now.
We do have an Android Phone at Mindful Bali that I haven’t used in ages (I barely know how it works) but I’m actually considering switching over to use it as my phone now, and being very intentional about what I allow on the phone and into my digital world.
So somehow… God removed both.
Coffee and Instagram.
Just like that. In a week.
I know its only been ten hours off Instagram…but in four days of coffee absence and ten hours of Instagram absence… something else has returned:
Clarity.
Stillness.
A deeper connection to myself.
I know I’ll start writing again.
And when I’m ready to share more about the journey I’ve been on over the past few months, I will.
But for now, I’m simply grateful.
Four days off coffee.
Ten hours off my smartphone.
And already, I feel different. More grounded, more spacious, more present.
As I move into the final days of this yoga teacher training, with such a special group of women, I feel like I am meeting them from a truer place. A place that isn’t overstimulated or distracted but here.
God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Studying Online?
Next week I start 2 new Courses.
Resting With the Sutras is a yin, mantra & meditation based class.
10 Weeks
90 Minute a Class
One sutra a week
Integration, practice, rest, ease
Yoga Sutra Study is a philosophy based class
6 months
2 Hours a Class
Study all 196 Sutras
More discussion based
Coming to Bali?
I teach drop in yoga at my home yoga shala, Mindful Bali. The current schedule is here.
I teach at Radiantly Alive, one of the bigger studios in town. Find me here.
Upcoming Kirtans:
Upcoming Trainings: