#194 Pink Clouds, Coffee Lines, and Coming Home to the Present Moment

A reflection on meditation, sobriety, trauma anniversaries, nervous system wisdom, and quiet teachings hidden inside ordinary days

Three quick things:

1. You’re not too late to join Resting with the Sutras. If you sign up now you can join us for tomorrow’s class at 7:30am Bali Time on Sutra 1.2 (Yogas Citta Vritti Nirodhah). Join here.

2. I’m teaching a free Bali Bhakti Flow class next Monday on Zoom at 8:00am Bali time (7:00pm New York time).
   You can join us by booking here.

2. A new podcast episode came out this morning with my student Tasha Ackerman who has started her own business! She has been a long term member of our community (one of the originals from 2020!) Tune in to hear her story here.

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Trigger Warning: I reference my SA in this post

Pink Clouds and the Comedown

Today, I think I reached the “comedown” after last week’s meditation pink clouds.

For ten days in a row, I have met my meditation teacher from 5:00–6:00am.
Darkness. Jungle sounds. Silence. Breath. Presence.

There is something deeply grounding about greeting the day before the world wakes up. Before emails. Before expectations. Before identity.

It has become a ritual. A rock that I stand on.

For the last ten days, everything has felt so free, easy. Whilst I’ve done 20 mins meditation for 400 days, 60 minutes and before the sunrise was the next level that was bringing me to stillness. “Meditation is the secret to everything!” I decided.

In sobriety, there’s a phenomenon called “pink clouds”—those early days when everything feels light, inspired, and full of grace. And then, eventually, the clouds pass. Life returns. Irritations arise. Reality re-enters.

Sobriety, it turns out, is still life.
And life is still life.

This morning I felt like I experienced the comedown after pink clouds but instead of for sobriety, for meditation. Suddenly, irritation was hitting me.

The Coffee That Was Never Just Coffee

This morning I had about forty-five minutes to get ready after my meditation and before teaching my Wednesday morning class at Radiantly Alive. I decided to go into town early and treat myself to a latte.

I chose the wrong café.

Twenty-five minutes later, I was still waiting. Watching the clock. Watching my calm unravel. Realizing I wouldn’t even have time to drink it before my yoga class started.

And suddenly—everything irritated me.

I arrived to teach my yoga class and the Bluetooth wouldn’t sync.
Sounds in the area were loud and distracted my presence while teaching.
A text message I got later on felt dismissive.
It was raining and I had to drive through the rain to get home.
Someone was in the way during a call.

One small delay became a cascade.

The buddha taught that suffering comes from resistence to what is.

This is essentially the teachings from the first four yoga sutras (which we’re learning about in Resting with the Sutras this month):
1.1 Now begins yoga
1.2 Yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind
1.3 Then, we find our true nature
1.4 When we don’t practice this, we identify too much with our thoughts and not with our true nature.

I wasn’t upset about coffee.

I was upset about losing my rhythm.
About being rushed.
About feeling disjointed.
About not being able to land in presence.

My nervous system prefers softness. Spaciousness. Time to arrive.

This morning, it didn’t get that.

A New Kind of Sensitivity

Later, I realized something important.

My nervous system baseline has changed.

After days of deep meditation, my system had become more sattvic - more subtle, more sensitive. So I’m aware when these things happen (like being rushed to get to yoga) and how much they can impact me. Something I hardly would have noticed previously (I was used to always being rushed) now felt challenging today.

I heard a story a few months ago (I can’t remember where): where someone was telling me a meeting was scheduled directly before their yoga class at a yoga studio. When they asked for extra time they were told to just run to their class, and they said: “I don’t run to my classes, I walk to them.” (I have NO idea who told me this story, but the idea has stuck with me ever since. Because for years I have run to my classes. And now, I am walking to them.)

In Buddhist psychology, this is known as increased mindfulness: when awareness sharpens, we feel more. We notice more. We can no longer bypass discomfort so easily.

This is not weakness.
It’s refinement.

It’s the nervous system learning a new language.

Trauma, Anniversaries, and the Body’s Memory

As the day progressed, I thought about how there is another layer to this too.

This is the time of year when my body remembers.

The nervous system knows.

It remembers dates. Seasons. Sensations.

In psychology, this is called an “anniversary reaction.”

It can show up as being more irritated, overstimulated, fatigued, emotionally reactive, and wanting to withdraw.

In yoga this is known as samskaras and in Buddhism, a similar thing is understood as sankharas—stored impressions in the mind-body that arise when conditions are right.

They are not failures, and we aren’t trying to fix them or correct them.

They are memories and patterns asking to be witnessed and met with compassion.

I wondered as the day progressed if anger and resentment was easier for me to hold than grief.

The Teaching Inside the Disruption

As I reflected on how one coffee delayed my morning for half an hour and frazzled me, the solution became obvious.

I don’t need more cafes.

I need more simplicity.

I’ve been thinking about buying a coffee machine for my villa. This has two purposes: first of all, I’ve had yoga students show up for classes and ask us if we can make them a cappuccino. I know that during our 200 hour ytts people will be running on coffee during our 13 hour days! I also am interested in learning—really learning—how to make a good cappuccino at home. A small ritual after meditation. A continuation of presence.

No rushing. No guessing which café is open. No outsourcing my nervous system.

Just breath, prayer, coffee.

A mindful life is built from tiny choices.

The Buddha said:
“Drop by drop, the water pot is filled.”

So is peace.

When Healing Feels Messy

Healing is not linear.

When trauma is frozen, it feels numb.
When it begins to move, it feels chaotic.

I’ve been doing deep work this year: meditation, writing, sobriety, service, honesty.

This agitation wasn’t regression.

It was integration.

My system finally feels safe enough to feel.

And safety brings emotions back online.

Slowing Down

That afternoon, I listened.

I cancelled what I could.
I rested.
I softened.

I missed a 12 step meeting at lunchtime for a kirtan photoshoot—because I’m leading my first kirtan at Sayuri’s next week, and needed photos with my harmonium. (Which is exciting!)

But instead of trying to squeeze it all into one day, I just cancelled attending the meeting.

Then, I taught the Wednesday afternoon yin class at Mindful Bali - what a sweet opportunity to hold space and slow down (forced restoration for me)!

Life in practice is always imperfect.

And that’s okay.

Tomorrow or later in the week, I’ll return to the meetings.
Tonight, I’ll go to a kirtan and return to music and the moment and the breath.

You Can’t Fall Out of Love

This afternoon, while waiting for students to arrive for yin yoga, a song came on shuffle:

“We are held

By God

And when I say “God” I′m just going to say all that is

We choose what we let go of from moment to moment

And as we choose, we step into the new reality forming in front of us

Of infinite possibility

And whatever choice you make

You can’t fall out of it

Let′s call it Love

You can’t fall out of Love

You can’t fall out of Love

You can′t fall out of Love

You will always be held

But you can never lose your way completely

And how the suffering is just not giving in

Endless choices

Endless choices

And yet there′s one choice”

In Buddhist terms, this is refuge.
In yogic terms, this is Ishvara Pranidhana—surrender to something greater.

We are held.
Even on irritated mornings.
Even in coffee lines.
Even in grief.

Especially then.

The Practice Is the Point

The takeaway for me is simple:

Our practices matter.

They give us mirrors.
They give us language.
They give us somewhere to return.

They don’t make life perfect.

They make it honest.

And from honesty, healing grows.

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Resting with the Sutras

Our next class on Sutra 1.2 is tomorrow on Zoom. Join us here.

Free Bali Bhakti Flow Class on Zoom

Return to Your True Nature is a gentle, heart-opening Bhakti Flow designed to help you come home to yourself. It’s totally free. Book here.

New Podcast Episode with Tasha Ackerman

In this episode, I speak with yoga teacher and writer Tasha Ackerman about healing through movement, writing, and embodied presence. Listen here.

Listen here:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1665100/episodes/18647668

Connect with Tasha:

https://writerestore.com/

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YouTube Class Recommendation

Did you know I have thousands of yoga classes on YouTube?

Tasha recently practiced this class and here’s what she said:

“The anecdote that Alexandra shared in this class really stuck with me, so much so that I used it the next day when talking to a friend about letting go of expectations following a first date. By holding on to something that isn’t aligned, not only are we keeping ourselves out of alignment, we are taking up space for what is actually meant for us (and for the other person!) This class was great because it gave me a real sense of release in the moment, and a tangible message that I could carry off of the mat.”

Watch here: