#179 You Have to Experience It Yourself
I finished my Vipassana.... and there are literally no words.
Yesterday, I finished my Vipassana in Java, Indonesia.
Exiting a Vipassana is an intense experience. Everyone wants to know how it was, wants to hear about it. But how can you even sum up what you’ve experienced in ten days to someone who’s never experienced it before?
Goenka said: “The real work is done inside. Words are only pointers.”
What Is Goenka-Style Vipassana?
Goenka-style Vipassana is a 10-day silent meditation training course rooted in the Theravāda Buddhist tradition and taught worldwide through the lineage of Goenka, a Burmese teacher. The practice is offered entirely by donation, and taught in a standardized, non-sectarian format intended to be accessible to people of all backgrounds. His courses have been running for 55 years and are taught in over 90 countries, in 200+ permanent/non-permanent locations.
Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” In practice, this meant that during the training course, we were not working with belief, ritual, or philosophy, but with direct observation of lived experience, specifically the relationship between sensation, craving, and aversion in the body.
As Goenka repeated throughout the course:
“Know yourself at the experiential level, not merely at the intellectual level.”
The Structure of the 10 Days
For ten days, we observed noble silence. This meant there was no speaking, reading, writing, phones, or eye contact. Goenka said that serious meditation cannot be done when not in Noble Silence, and after experiencing this past ten days, I believe this is true. I realized as the training progressed that because I was not texting, talking, interacting at all, looking at Instagram, etc - that I was not creating any new samskaras, or impressions on my mind. This allowed me to go really deep into my unconcious memories - what we call the karmashaya in yoga - and start to work through really deep rooted past samskaras, or trauma.
The daily schedule was rigorous: roughly 10–11 hours of meditation per day, beginning around 4:00 a.m. and ending at 9:00 p.m.
The retreat unfolded progressively:
Days 1–3: Ānāpāna (Mindfulness of Breath)
We trained attention on the natural breath, often at the nostrils. This sharpened concentration (samādhi) and steadied the mind.
Days 4–9: Vipassana (Body-Scanning Awareness)
We systematically scanned the body from head to toe, observing physical sensations without reacting - pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. The emphasis was on equanimity (upekkhā): not clinging, not pushing away.
Day 10: Mettā (Loving-Kindness)
Silence was lifted, and we closed the training with the cultivation of goodwill and compassion, directing the clarity we had developed inward and outward.
Each evening, we listened to a recorded discourse by Goenka explaining the theory behind the practice, particularly how suffering arises through unconscious reactions, and how liberation comes through awareness and non-reaction.
The Central Teaching
Goenka Vipassana was built on one teaching:
Liberation does not come from changing life’s circumstances, but from changing how we relate to sensation.
This I see to be true. We cannot chose or change lots of things. We cannot change the people around us, we can’t change where we’re born, we can’t choose things such as our gender, our race, our sexuality, our culture. In many ways in life we are stuck. All we can choose is how to relate to and react to our stuckness. And in this sense, Vipassana becomes one big metaphor: we literally got locked in a property and weren’t allowed to leave, and had to adapt to, make peace with, and accept the process.
It felt like it was going to last forever at times, but I knew that wasn’t true. Goenka ended each hour long sit with a chant starting with the word “annica” which is the Pali word for impermanence. Nothing is permanent. Change is the only constant in life.
By observing impermanence (anicca) directly in the body, we began to loosen deep-rooted conditioning (saṅkhāras). Rather than suppressing desire or aversion, the practice trained the nervous system to remain present and balanced as sensations arose and passed away.
“You are learning how not to react,” Goenka said.
“This is the real training of the mind.”
Over time, this worked at the somatic root of what both Buddhism and yoga calls suffering (dukkha).
What Made This Practice Distinct
Experiential, not philosophical
I think one of the biggest mistakes I made in teaching and studying the Yoga Sutras previously was I wasn’t making daily meditation mandatory (for myself or my students). You can become academically knowledgable about this philosophy but you must practice for it to have an impact on your life. I see that now, which is why I am emphasizing meditation so much in my life and my teaching now. I love how Goenka flipped this on it’s head and focused on the practice first, philosophy second. We did ten hours of meditation a day and only one hour of philosophy a day. This shows the priority is the practice, and you understand it afterwards. We were encouraged not to speculate, visualize, or interpret—only to observe.A highly disciplined container
The strict schedule, silence, and simplicity were intentional. Nothing was added that wasn’t essential to practice. As the ten days progressed I was well aware that this was the most disciplined experience I have ever had in my entire life. Whilst I’d experienced Noble Silence before on retreats and trainings I’d never seen in practiced with such sincerity as here.Taught as a universal technique
Vipassana has been presented not as a religion, but as a method of mental purification available to anyone willing to practice sincerely. In this sense we had such a diverse group on the training - people from all over the world. I love the way it was taught that anyone could practice it.
After the retreat, I went to the airport with someone I met during the loving-kindness day. We were both shellshocked by the amount of noise and overwhelm, and we agreed that spiritually, there was no way to explain what we had experienced to people who hadn’t experienced it themselves—so we weren’t even going to try.
This mirrored what I’d heard before I went. When I asked people what Vipassana was like, everyone didn’t say much. Just: “Everyone’s experience is different. You’ll find out for yourself.” They were right.
When I saw people today, and they asked questions, I spoke only about logistics. I told them that I was very tired. I couldn’t keep my head up. The river outside was beautiful. The room was beautiful. I moved to a chair on day two. Later, I moved to the back of the room, which was strangely comforting because I could see everyone’s meditation seats evolving.
I told them about the three Indonesian sisters - each over 75 - who sat in front of me every day.
I talked about how we couldn’t talk at all. How we meditated ten hours a day, from early morning until night, with breaks only for meals.
I interacted with my videographer, my staff at the villa, and students for a class I taught. I replied to tons of text messages and emails. Every interaction felt exhausting. Talking felt exhausting.
So I sat.
I’ve already done two hour-long meditations today because interacting with the world feels overwhelming, and the most intelligent response seems to be to sit.
And certain truths became very clear while I did.
One of them was this: At the beginning of the training, I feared that abandoning my phone for ten days would cause my business to fall apart. I’d never spent a day away from my phone since I started my company seven years ago. But Instead, after a few days, my nervous system entered a state of rest so deep I had never experienced anything like it before. And then, coming out of the retreat, two miracles manifested for the business that I would have never expected to be possible beforehand. I truly believe my meditation practice made these miracles happen. Not by any powers… but by the energy I was cultivating within through my practice. Everything in life is energy. Vibrations.
And I began to wonder,
What if the thing I feared most, letting go, surrender - was actually the thing that would help my business the most?
So how could I summarize what I experienced in the last ten days?
The ten days could be broken down by technique:
Days 1–3: Ānāpāna
Day 4: Vipassana taught
Days 5–9: Vipassana practiced
Day 10: Mettā and silence breaking
They could also be broken down by philosophy:
Refuge (orientation)
Sīla (ethical base)
Samādhi (concentration)
Vipassana (wisdom through sensation)
Four Noble Truths
Eightfold Path
Dependent Origination
Anicca / Tilakkhaṇa
Pāramīs
Mettā
They could also be broken down by my experience:
Days 1–2: Extreme fatigue
I could barely stay upright. I had come straight from teaching a 30-day YTT and singing three nights of kirtan. I fell asleep constantly. I eventually moved to a chair (which I knew were reserved for the elderly and injured, but one had been accidentally placed beside me, so in a moment of weakness in the middle of meditation I stood up and I sat in it around 10am on day two.) - and was called in to speak with the teacher. I told her honestly: “I am so tired.”
Day 3: Staying awake
I stayed awake for all ten hours but felt disoriented, having missed much of the instruction on the first two days being so tired.
Day 4: First profound meditation
This was the day the Vipassana technique was taught. During the teaching sit, something shifted.
Days 5–7: The tunnel opens
I moved from the chair to the wall at the back of the room, and in this spot, this is where I experienced a powerful opening. Old material. Visions. Memories. Insights. A deep, unsettling clarity. I can’t even write about this, it’s so profound and difficult to explain.
Day 8: Illness
I got sick. Wanted to leave. Became afraid of the intensity and pulled back from doing the technique exactly as instructed.
Days 9–10: Anicca
Everything passed. Including the desire to leave. Including the desire to stay.
Even my seating arrangement told a story.
Eventually, everything merged. Days dissolved. Time disappeared. Life became conditioned by the words: “Start again.”
Someone said to me today, after I tried to summarize all of this:
“It’s great you loved it so much.”
I paused.
“Love is a strong word.”
The truth is I can speak about it so romantically now that I am out of it, but I wondered at times if Vipassana would be like the closest thing to jail I’ll experience. Locked in. Separated. Strict rules. Gendered paths. No lying down. No expression. No books, no writing, no visitors, no connection. No escape.
There were days I didn’t think I’d make it.
And then there was the pride at the end.
One hundred hours of meditation.
Ten days.
Something I never thought I could do.
And now, in reintegration to the world, I see the benefit of the work I’ve done.
I’m moving in slow motion. I have no desire to reactivate my personal Instagram. I don’t want to reactivate the ego. I want to trust the practices that build my life.
I’ve already meditated for two hours today - and it feels like not enough.
I already want to go back to do my next Vipassana.
So how does one summarize a Vipassana?
Maybe one day I’ll write deeper reflections.
But for now, I’ll say what everyone said to me:
You just have to experience it yourself.
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Each week explores a different archetype of devotion:
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Strength rooted in humility.
Courage expressed through loyalty, discipline, and selfless action.
Week 2: Krishna - Devotion Through Love & Play
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Learning to trust life and move with grace rather than force.
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Devotion as responsibility, faithfulness, and right action — especially in times of trial.
Week 4: Shiva - Devotion Through Surrender & Stillness
Letting go of what no longer serves.
Resting in silence, witnessing, and deep transformation.
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