For a few weeks, things were really on a high for me with kirtans. I sang quite a few times with friends at Sayuri’s here in Bali, and also started regularly leading kirtan at my house in the rooftop shala. I even led a few sessions for yoga teacher training groups. I was feeling so much momentum and excitement - until suddenly, it all slowed down.
Opportunities to sing grew fewer, and one week only a single person came to my rooftop kirtan. It felt deflating. Tonight my percussionist had a show with his band in Jimbaran, so I decided to cancel. Maybe, I thought, it was time to take a break.
But I didn’t take the kirtan off the Mindful Bali website.
And last night, someone found it - booked it - and I thought, “Okay, let’s see.” I posted in my Bali Yoga with Alexandra WhatsApp group (join if you’re ever in Bali!) asking if anyone wanted to join last minute. Suddenly, a group of people signed up. A percussionist appeared. And just like that, we had a kirtan.
Tonight reminded me: my practice of kirtan should never be about ego. It isn’t about how many people show up or how many invitations to sing I receive. It’s about connecting to God. When I let go of trying to control the outcome, something greater rearranged itself. “Let Go and Let God.”
Learning to Use the Word “God”
Over the last few years, I’ve become more comfortable with the word “God” - a word I barely used before.
My spiritual journey with the idea of God has been winding and surprising. I think I’ve been searching for spirit since I first started studying yoga philosophy nearly 15 years ago. For a long time, I didn’t call it God. I was wary of misunderstanding - worried people would assume I was talking about a man in the sky, when really I meant something else: surrender, love, and the presence that holds everything.
East Forest puts it beautifully in one of his songs: “We are held by God. And when I say God, I mean all that there is.”
All that there is.
When the World Broke Open
The first time I really turned toward God was during a global crisis that left me disturbed. I was watching unimaginable suffering unfold in real time, and the silence around it only deepened my despair. I didn’t know what to do, except pray.
I had never prayed before - but in those days, prayer became the only thing that offered relief. It didn’t change what was happening in the world. But it changed me. Instead of falling into despair, prayer gave me hope.
I began noticing how people living in the middle of unthinkable circumstances still carried faith. Their devotion gave them strength when nothing else could. And I realized: faith might not change the situation, but it could change me. That realization cracked something open. It raised a question: What could faith do for me?
So I prayed. And slowly, prayer became a practice I could return to every day.
Surrender in My Own Life
Looking back, I can see how hard I used to try to control everything: when my business would succeed, when I could quit my job, whether a relationship would work, whether a retreat would run, or when I might finally buy a retreat center.
This year, I reached a point where I had no choice but to surrender. After experiencing trauma, I realized in a raw and painful way that control is an illusion. To make sense of what happened, I had to believe in something larger than myself. It was too heavy otherwise.
Since then, surrender has slowly brought me peace - and even unexpected blessings.
Teachings I Return To
Whenever I start to lose faith, I return to certain teachings and phrases:
“The Mind Stands in the Way of a Clear View of God.” (Ram Dass)
Our minds cloud our vision with judgment and fear. Meditation clears the lens so we can see God.“Let Go and Let God.”
Every time I release my grip on outcomes, something better unfolds.“God Is Doing For Me What I Could Not Do For Myself.”
This one comes from the AA reading How It Works. My sponsor once had me make a “God Can List” instead of a to-do list. It’s amazing how often those items resolve on their own once surrendered.“When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window.”
Time and time again, this has proven true in my life.The Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Needs no explanation. I recite it after my morning meditation every day.“If You Can’t See God in All, You Can’t See God at All.”
Someone sent me this quote this week and said they heard it in a call and it reminded them of me! It reminds me that even when I set boundaries with people, I still recognize the divine in others. Sometimes pain itself is the message, and even then, the messenger carries God.
Echoes Through Music and Teachers
Sam Garrett sings, “There is no you and me, there’s just I and I.”
Rolf Gates writes, “The God that dwells within you is the same God that dwells within me.”
Krishna Das chants simply, “God is real.”
For years, I thought God wasn’t real. Now I know: God is love, presence, surrender, connection. God is what holds me when I let go.
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