#156 Radical Responsibility (Learning Where My Teacher's Work Ends and Where Mine Begins)
Reflections on sobriety, teaching, and taking ownership without taking it all on
“The conjunction of the seer with the seen is for the seer to discover his own true nature.” — Yoga Sutras
Today I was sitting with a friend, speaking about what it’s like to support people in early sobriety. We talked about the challenges that can come up when walking beside those who are just beginning their journey. I told her that five years ago, I used to spend much of my time there - leading sober yoga challenges, coaching one-on-one, and supporting sober-curious individuals through their first alcohol-free days. That was my work for years. But these days, I don’t do it as much. I am still hosting events for alcohol-free women, and running yoga teacher trainings that often attract alcohol-free women: but I am no longer specifically running programs for initial sobriety.
She asked me why, and I explained that I had a tendency to over-identify with other people’s journeys and take on too much responsibility for what wasn’t mine. That’s a pattern I’ve seen in other parts of my life too.
When I was a school teacher, I was deeply concerned about my students - one student in particular who had been expelled and suspended from multiple schools. He was placed in my class one year, with the hope that a “fresh start” would help him. I tolerated misbehaviour far beyond reason, because I believed his performance was a reflection of me as a teacher. I didn’t yet understand that I had zero control over what happened in his home life, whether he’d slept the night before, eaten breakfast, or even had the right glasses prescription to read (which were all the factors that would affect how he showed up each day). The only thing I could truly control was myself.
This lesson carries into sobriety work.
Back in 2019, I attended a training with my teacher Rolf. I proudly told him I was 100 days sober. He said: “I want you to get a therapist, go to an AA meeting, and email me when you’ve done those two things.”
For years, I thought he was saying this because he cared about me. But now I see something deeper: he was placing the responsibility back where it belonged - on me. He was showing me that my sobriety wasn’t his to carry and he was clearly not taking responsibility for it. Only I could do that.
This truth shows up in every corner of my life. A psychic once told me I’d open a retreat center, and I felt disappointed when it didn’t manifest right away. I blamed the psychic when really it was on me. That vision was never his responsibility - it was mine. He could light the match, but I had to carry the torch. I had to do the work.
Our mentors, healers, and teachers can give us tools, but they cannot do the work for us. That’s our part.
When my friend this morning asked if I used to recommend the 12 steps to my sober challenge participants, I admitted that I hadn’t. When she asked if I would now, my answer was a wholehearted yes. In fact, I often encourage my retreat and training guests here in Bali to attend the meetings that I chair with me. Why? Because the difference I saw in myself once I started working the steps was I started to take a lot more accountability for my life. And my life began to change for the better.
As Tommy Rosen says, the root of all addiction is codependency. And as Liz Gilbert beautifully defines it, codependency is “the utter abandonment of yourself in order to fixate upon them.” Healing begins when we stop abandoning ourselves and begin taking responsibility for our own lives.
That doesn’t mean everything is our fault. It means we stop waiting for others to change so we can be okay. We learn to take responsibility for what we can control - and let go of what we can’t.
For me, that’s looked like pulling out my 12-step workbook each week, showing up to my meetings with completed step work, and being honest with my sponsor. It’s what keeps me sober today: my willingness to take responsibility for my own healing.
My relationship with social media can be an example of this. It’s the same thing with alcohol. I can’t control who will drink around me. What I can control is whether I pick up a drink. With social media, I can’t control what others post or how the apps are designed. But I can control whether I open the app, whether I delete it, and how I respond to what I see. My part is my own behaviour, not the world’s.
I’m only halfway through the steps now, but I know that one day I’ll sponsor others. And when I do, I hope to carry this lesson with me: I can’t work the steps for a sponsee. I can’t make them stay sober. I’m not a therapist. What I am is a yoga and meditation practitioner, a life coach, and a woman six years sober who is actively working the steps. I want to walk alongside you, but I cannot walk for you.
That’s what I have to offer. This is what it means to me to live with radical responsibility: to choose growth, to do our own work, and to embrace the freedom that comes when we stop trying to carry what was never ours to hold.
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