#147 When I Log Out I Wake Up
A Yogic & Buddhist Reflection on Social Media, Addiction, and Surrender
I am withdrawing from social media again.
Wow, I can’t believe how much my relationship with it has mirrored a relationship with alcohol. Just like the first drink, the first login feels harmless. But then the craving creeps in. I’m checking, refreshing, scrolling, posting stories, until my thoughts and free moments are consumed by it.
It’s a place where I witness division and comparison, where sadness shows up despite my attempts at neutrality. Social media makes me forget the idea of impermanence (annicca in Buddhism). Instead, I crave and cling (raga) and avoid (dvesha). All of this is the cycle of suffering that both Buddhism and Yoga refer to as dukkha.
I find that on social media, I personalize what isn’t personal at all - the Buddha’s teaching on anatta (not-self) reminds us that others’ posts, opinions, or projections are not who we are. And yet, I find myself getting stuck over and over again, and having the same conversations over and over again, and the same experiences over and over again : the awareness that I need to get off social media and yet the continuous use of it despite me knowing better. (It’s kind of like, for years and years, when I said I wanted to stop drinking alcohol).
Nikki Meyers says: if you can say you engage in an activity even when you “knew better” or “didn’t really want to,” you may have an addictive tendency toward that substance or behaviour. (That sounds to me like my issue with social media!)
Last night, after another spiral of scrolling, I texted my psychic Dan: “Maybe I need to get off again.”
The problem is (and he replied this back to me) - “how are you going to share what you do?” It’s true that it’s how I connect. It’s how I share my regular classes and kirtans in Ubud, post about upcoming retreats, and let people know what I’m doing. As an entrepreneur, Instagram once built my business. Part of me fears that stepping away means falling behind, being excluded, missing out.
And yet when I’m on it…my mind feels dull, heavy, restless. The yoga sutras introduce us to the idea of the gunas - energies of satva (equilibrium), rajas (anxiety) or tamas (lethargy). These cloud our clarity. Today I could feel the tamas thick in me. I was annoyed about a required trip down to the south of Bali for something related to my business which did not go to plan. I was irritated by the high level of conflict I was seeing on my social media all day. And yet, I continued to access the app. Social media had become my escape, my way to numb, and at the same time the root of continued suffering. Just like the old craving for wine.
Leading a kirtan for my YTT students tonight was magical. It alleviated this tamas and elevated me. By the time we had dinner and I drove home, I realized that I have to get off social media again. Thirty days. That’s it.
(Combined with this thirty days off social media, I am also challenging myself to thirty days of attending kirtans every single day!)
The Yoga Sutras speak of pratyahara - withdrawal of the senses - as the doorway to inner freedom. Instead of being dragged outward by every sound, image, or comment, we draw inward, returning to center. Being off social media, I realize, is a living practice of pratyahara. It is also sauca (purification) and svadhyaya (self-study). Without the noise, I meet myself honestly.
Tonight, I knew: logging in would only bring suffering. Both Yoga and Buddhism would call this clear seeing prajna - the wisdom to discern what leads toward liberation and what leads toward suffering.
So I texted someone from my team and handed over the access to my account and asked her to take care of it from now on. No wiggle room. No loopholes. Just surrender.
And then I sat down and began to write.
If this year has had a theme for me, it’s been about finding God.
The 12 Steps call it a spiritual awakening - “I surrender to a power greater than myself.” Yoga names it ishvara pranidhana - devotion to a higher power. Buddhism describes it as letting go of clinging to the illusion of self and resting in the vastness of awareness.
For me, God is not a “guy in the sky.” In yoga language, God can be:
G — Generator (Brahma)
O — Organizer (Visnu)
D — Destroyer (Shiva)
As my teacher Rolf once said: “In yoga, there’s not you and God, there’s only God.”
Two weeks ago, with a mentor, I wrote a list of things “God can” do for me. It was an exercise in surrender. I didn’t really get it at first when she suggested it, but I just did it anyways. I think, and now I see, it’s about not making an action based, forceful “to-do” list. Instead, it’s more about making a “let go and let god” list. Astonishingly, since writing that list, many of those long-stuck issues that were on it have already begun to dissolve. Krishna teaches Arjuna in the Gita: “Abandon all duties, surrender to Me alone, and I will liberate you from all sins.”
And so I see it clearly: when I give up one thing, I gain everything. When I stop doom-scrolling, I gain meditation, practice, writing, chanting, walking, clarity, joy. When I scroll, I lose it all.
This week, my only prayer is simple: God, keep me off social media.
That’s the one thing I am trusting this week that “God Can” do for me.
The other week in an ITAA meeting (Internet and Tech Addicts) we worked on a list of things we trusted in. I wrote that I trust that if I surrender this one thing, everything else will fall into place:
My health, mental and physical.
My book writing.
My business flow.
My spiritual practice.
My peace.
The Buddha’s Eightfold Path begins with samma ditthi - right view. For me, right view is knowing where suffering comes from, and choosing the path that leads out of it.
So here I am, committing to 30 days off. I will not go silent: Gusti from my team will handle posts and messages and creating stories about my classes on my personal account. Indah on my team will be working on getting the Mindful Bali account up and running. And I will return to what nourishes me: breath, body, silence, practice.
When I log out, I wake up.
Early Bird Deadline
If you’ve been feeling called to go deeper, our New Year’s Eve Yoga Teacher Training in Bali runs from December 28 - January 17. It will be a truly special gathering. Not only will we cross into a new year together, but you’ll also be the very first group to study inside my brand-new yoga shala.
The early bird discount of $200 is available until September 28. This is also the perfect time of year to be in Bali - accommodations are more affordable, the weather is beautiful, and the energy of new beginnings is in the air.
Daily Drop-In Yoga at Mindful Bali
Beginning the week of September 22, once renovations are complete, I’ll be offering daily drop-in yoga classes at Mindful Bali. Classes will run 9:30–10:30am and will be a mix of grounding vinyasa and nourishing flows designed to bring you back to center.
If you’re in Ubud, I’d love for you to join. Come practice in community, see the new space, and experience yoga in the heart of Bali.
Here is the most recent picture of the yoga shala progress from tonight!!
And here’s me doing my morning practice in the shala the other day.
Needed this reminder today to stop the doom scrolling. It’s been rough over here